Pregnant at 19…. It was never in my ‘plan’. Having a child was item number 12 on my list, right after getting my master’s degree and getting married. What a life altering change was in store for me, when one day becoming a mother moved to the top of my list. Replacing marketing textbooks for pregnancy books and switching coffee for water, I was on a journey to become a bona fide Mom. Up until that point the only thing I knew about parenting was how to be a daughter, or so I thought. Little did I know I was about to take everything I thought I had ever known, and throw it out the window. Education started now. Life, started now.
Throughout 9months of preparation, I saw my life slowly changing. Designer clothes swapped for stretchy clothes. Chaise lounges swapped for cribs. Slowly but surely I let my former self go in layers, ready with a blank canvas to start anew again.
November 26, 2003, my painting began to take shape. As I held my innocent baby in my arms for the very first time I felt a shift in my heart as warm tears of awesome wonder trickled down my cheek….I had become a mother. I learned more in those tender moments than I did in months of reading books. I learned to love without conditions. I learned to sacrifice, even with my life. I learned to protect at all costs. I learned to forgive with my whole heart. But most importantly, I learned what if felt like to be whole.
The years to follow continued to be educational, as I was schooled on not only becoming a mother, but in my case a father as well. I learned to discipline while being the nurturer. I learned to support while raising a child. I learned to wipe away tears while shedding tears of my own. I lived off of the energy of his smile during moments of exhaustion. I craved the feel of his soft hair after working my fingers to the bone. I learned what it felt like to be alone, only to look at him and feel whole again.
January 9, 2007, a splash of color brushed across my painting. As I looked into my husband’s eyes and cradled our new baby, once again my heart shifted. I learned what it was like to have a father for my children. And I learned to let go, to trust another to love how I had love, to protect how I had protected, and to cherish as I had cherished. Both terrifying and comforting, not only letting go….but letting someone in.
December 2, 2008, the final stroke. A daughter. I had given birth to an angel. Once again my heart shifted, falling perfectly into place. I learned what it meant to be a daughter, despite having been one all my life. I learned what it felt like to not want, to be fulfilled, to feel complete. With my sons and my daughter all by my side I had all I would ever need. I learned my calling in life....nurturer, warrior, protector, comforter, provider, giver...Mother.
As I sit back and look at my painting, I can't help but see just how perfect it is. Covered in stretch marks and love. Spit up and laughter. Boo boos and tears. Dirt and imagination. What was once a blank canvas has been brushed with the education of life, the joys of parenting, and the beauty of children. My three gifts from heaven. My teachers. My muses. My masterpiece.
**This was prompt #4 for MamaKat's writer's workshop**
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