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NO! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! THAT WAS IT! I bit back a curse, shot the look of death, and peaced the heck out! Thanks for the hepatitis C fool! I'm gonna go boil my daughter now!! Screw savings, I'm stickin' to Target.
So as a keepsake of the not-so-good times I've had, I've written a song...an ode to Wal-Mart, if you will....sang to the tune of the 12 days of Christmas...(**NOTE:I added a verse at the beginning, I was a pregnant teen, and this isn't meant to offend..fyi...oh yeah, you have to sing while you read it to get the full effect**)
ahem....
On this day in December
I'm screaming 'Woe is me!'
Cuz Wal-Mart is the place to be..
I hate it more than Labor,
But their sales can't be beat!
So let me tell you what I did see...
12 Tranny hookers
11 Ma's in moo-moos
10 Wheelchair's whirling
9 Nascar racefans
8 Pimps a pimpin'
7 Toothless crackheads
6 Men with mullets
5 Knocked up teeeeeeeens!
4 Wolf t-shirts
3 Drunk dudes
2 Pantless chicks
and one crazy lady spreading Hep C....
If you need me I'll be at Target.
On this day in December
I'm screaming 'Woe is me!'
Cuz Wal-Mart is the place to be..
I hate it more than Labor,
But their sales can't be beat!
So let me tell you what I did see...
12 Tranny hookers
11 Ma's in moo-moos
10 Wheelchair's whirling
9 Nascar racefans
8 Pimps a pimpin'
7 Toothless crackheads
6 Men with mullets
5 Knocked up teeeeeeeens!
4 Wolf t-shirts
3 Drunk dudes
2 Pantless chicks
and one crazy lady spreading Hep C....
If you need me I'll be at Target.
What is wrong with people - srsly - kissing someone else's kid. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that perhaps they had some mental issues...But still....Yet, I'm so damn cheap - er -frugal, that you will still find me in Walmart. Luckily VC is now about 5'9" so I doubt there will be any kissing. Then again...
ReplyDeleteLike I said....bwaaahahahahahhajsdjdskhahahahhaskjsjha!!!
ReplyDeleteMy mouth dropped when I read the part about crackhead kissing your precious presley. Gooooo! I hope you bathed her in alcohol and sprayed her with 3 cans of lysol!
Seriously, this...this post right here is why we're gonna be friends til the end! Love you!!!
OMG. LOL!!! seriously. omg.
ReplyDelete{you are a very talented song writer!! } heeehee
Seriously!?! She kissed your kid? That right there deserves a good face kicking!!
ReplyDeleteOh and the 'song' was great!
OMG hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteamazing.
I refuse to go in WalMart. There I said it. The one and ONLY time I've been in one, some drug dealer followed me around the store and would just stare at me. CREEPY.
So yeah. TARJAY baby.
ewwww that would have grossed me out!!! grosssssssssss
ReplyDeleteWHOA. I freaked out when people (usually a cashier or someone) would try to shake Jacob hand or touch his face....I'm like get the h#!! away from my kid! If someone actually took a pacifier out ofhis mouth, or TOUCHED him like tickling or kissing? You showed SEROUS restraint. I would have kicked his a$$!
ReplyDeleteGood song, though!
Yuck!!!! I wish I could avoid walmart. sadly since I live in the boonies its the closest store within 35 miles!
ReplyDeleteNothing is worse than Walmart on the 1st or 15th. Except CHRISTMAS TIME on the 1st or 15th.
ReplyDeleteThis is so the Walmart in my neighborhood! It is AWFUL!!! I am with you - I will take the Target prices any day of the week.
ReplyDeleteWow. That's sooooo creepy!
ReplyDeleteAmazing song though! You are too much!
And I promise I'm going to email you back soon. This tiny little baby has turned me into a completely exhausted waste of space. Just the thought of writing a super long email is making me tired. Come to think of it, this comment is getting long....
amen sister. i hate the wally world.
ReplyDeleteI have found my new theme song..thank you so very much
ReplyDeleteThat is a great song!!!! I take Walmart in small doses and I prefer to shop there in off hours - mostly it's target for me too!
ReplyDeleteOMG.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a new Christmas song classic on your hands! Loooooove!
ReplyDeleteI won't go near Wal Mart. It scares me. I'm Tar-jay all the way.
WTF! I am picking winners today. This is hilarious.
ReplyDeleteCan I just say - we have a pretty spicy Wal-Mart aka the Mothership.We had quite the gangfight. No other details but I think they were fighting over crackhead #1's pacifier!
SNAP!
xx
Cristina
You're hilarious, I love that song!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your kids being infected by crackheads, that's gross & creepy.
OMG THAT IS RIDICULOUS. KISSING? WOWW...
ReplyDeleteWalmart is creepyyyy and i don't go there if I can avoided it... Target is my friend.
Unfortunately I need to shop at Walmart- It keeps me a SAHM
ReplyDeleteI can't believe someone kissed your kid, though! ICK!! I must put off some kind of vibe because RARELY does anyone come that close to my kids. Maybe it's cause I'm the stressed out mom of 3 in walmart that's about to blow her top! :)
Holy crap! What is it about Walmart that really brings the crazies out?
ReplyDeletei would have a cow if anyone touches my niece and nephew and my future to be kids. that is just rude.
ReplyDeleteLove it! I am so inspired to write of my recent Walmrt experience. What is wrong with people?!
ReplyDeleteBahahaha I love your song!!!!
ReplyDeletePeople are just crazy. I do not go in Walmart. The last time I went in i had a panic attack, literally. The time before that, was during a snowstorm, (the only one in Tx in the last 2 years) and I got stuck and some of the employees had to help me get out. It ended up being that I was in neutral... and so they through "snow" which was technically "ice balls at my car!!
Holy F*** that's disgusting-- lURVE your song, it's awesome! You will ALWAYS find me at TARGET!
ReplyDeleteum excuse me?! who does crackhead #1 think they are?! i would NEVER just kiss someones baby. totally rude and waaaay past the personal space boundary.
ReplyDeleteyour song kicks a. i am so with you. all for the taaarget.
Hillarious song, but scary-sounding crackhead moment!
ReplyDeleteI've went to my local WalMart once.......once!
Best song ever! And I have that same problem at Wal-mart too. People have asked me to take pics of Toot with their phones. lol
ReplyDeleteDUDE!!!!!! i would be a jailbird right now had i been there...i would have cut a ho ho ho!!! this does not make me happy!!!
ReplyDeletebut you and your song writing skills do!!! love them to death!!!!! yeyeyeyey target....hhhmmm...who else do we know that LOVES her some target?!?!?1
Oh. My. Gosh. Horrifying. Horrifying. These are situations where the fact that I'm capable of inflicting serious injury on people worries me because SERIOUSLY - don't effing try it. Ugh. Sorry you had to go to WalMart. Love the song, though!
ReplyDeleteHoly shitballs, this is the funniest song evah!
ReplyDeleteHells to the NO on the hep from those creepy strangers! Want me to bust a cap? I'll do it!
Ew. Ew. Ew. Doesn't it make you want to take them out in hazmat suits?
ReplyDeleteHahaha hilarious... and SO gross all in one.
ReplyDeleteI don't get what people are thinking?! Nasty.
great song! Walmart never ceases to amaze me with it's freeks! Stay away it may be worse next time!
ReplyDeleteYeah, sometimes I feel that we have to be up to date on our vacinations to go to Wally World.
ReplyDeleteYeah, you boil the snot out of that child because Lord knows those cootie buckets were crawling with The Clap.
ReplyDeleteTake a page from Ferris Bueller's Day Off next time:
"...I'd also like to add that I've got my father's gun and a scorching case of herpes."
Maybe that'll keep those d-bags at bay!
My husband thinks that is hilarious! He HATES Wal-mart SO much. If we could afford to NOT shop there, we wouldn't. Stupid savings.
ReplyDeleteI love Target so much but I rarely shop there. Even it's out of my price range.
Okay - I can do this because my sister doesn't read your blog or comments for that matter...
ReplyDeleteMy sister has been working at the local Wal-Mart since they opened the doors in our town. We are talking close to 20 years and every year I lose a little more of my sister.
Mom & I were just discussing how bad she looks and it was my Mom who stated "Well look what she works with - she fits right in!"
It's a sad thing but it's the truth.
I live in/near a small town and so glad that at my WalMart we don't have that type of crowd.
ReplyDeleteewwww that is so not ok! I HATE walmart. I avoid it at all costs. SO gross. Love your song!
ReplyDeleteWhy do people do that? Why? Didn't their mothers ever tell them KEEP YO' HANDS TO YO'SELF!
ReplyDeleteWTF? Really?
OMG! I sooooooo would've lost my mind right up in that Wal-Mart. I will cut a bish for touching me. Imagine what I will do to someone for touching my kids!
NOT COOL! that is revolting! i would have gone postal!
ReplyDeleteholy sh*t! no ONE better kiss my cutie blechhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh love love love your song, er poem, er yeah it was awesome!!
ReplyDeleteOMG I can't believe someone had the audacity to come and kiss your child like that when they don't even KNOW you! I hope you went and gave her a bath quick and ran to Target as fast as your legs would carry you! LOL Love the song - too hilarious but oh so true! xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteThat is unacceptable behavior kissing and touching your children. I would have been extremely upset. Target....good idea.
ReplyDeleteYou never go, yet you choose to go at the busiest time EVER? You are crazy! I have had to stick to Target lately too. You hain't seen a redneck til you'd a lived in the South (esp int he land of NASCAR). WOW. No lies. I bet my Walmart beats yours...cept for the kissing babies part. But really, can you blame them??? Your kids are yummier than cake!
ReplyDeleteTotally depends on where you live. Same crowd here at Walmart and Target. True that if you shop where prices are lowest, you're also going to encounter the lowest-income, lowest-fill-in-the-blank members of your community!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Presley was violated. That's gross and a total invasion of personal space!
hahahaha that is the greatest poem ever!! I am SHOCKED that someone would come up and touch someone elses children without permission... that is terrible.. I would have slapped that lady for sure!!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all.... your song... freakin' hilarious brilliance! I literally peed my pants a little because I was laughing so hard. But you probably didn't want to know that...
ReplyDeleteAnd oh dear God... did you douse the little Miss in santizer after crazy was kissing on her? Goo!
I hate people touching my kids without my permission! I can't believe someone was kissing your child. Great song though!
ReplyDeleteAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! Oh man, I almost busted my c-section incision open singing and laughing at your song! Seriously. I flippin' haaate Wal-Mart. My friend actually just got robbed at Wal-Mart this very day! She had her little lady with her too, there were 5 guys and they jacked her stuff and took off. She didn't do anything because of her little lady, I don't blame her! AND...it was at 3 in the afternoon! Freaks. They only made off with laundry soap and dishwasher detergent and some meds...so now they can get high as they clean. Whoop whoop.
ReplyDeleteAgain, thanks for the gut busting laugh!
Giiiiirl you had WAY more self control that I or my bf would have. He'd have flattened them and I do believe that there would have been no fighting back the "are you f'ing crazy you stupid crack whore? Get the f away from my kid!" lol. I may or may not have punched her also. Lovin' the song by the way! :)
ReplyDeleteOMG LMAO! That's hilarious! I definitely wouldn't have been able to keep my cool if anyone was touching my kid!
ReplyDeleteI'm sticking to Target too!
Seriously gagged a little, then fell ouffa the toilet (yep, reading your blog on the crapper, problem?) laughing. Reminded me of the time someone gave my friend's baby a chicken bone in Walmart. So may thing wrong there: why are you eating chicken, of the fried variety, whiel in Walmart?, why would you think someone would want one you have eaten off of?, and why would you think that someone would be the baby of a perfect stranger? She lost it, and almost got me jumped in the process. Walmart is a playground of genetic anomolies.
ReplyDeleteOh, and why can't I spell or proofread? Because my kids are banging on the door that's why! Happy holidays lady, hope Santa brings you something purty from Walmart:)
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious. I too, stick with Target.
ReplyDeleteTotally gross. I love the 1st and 15th reference. bah.
ReplyDeleteIn the dumb suggestion box, I saw on FB that there is a fan group (is that what you call it?) for Walmart. WHO would admit to that?
My little city only has a Walmart and it takes me a 1/2 hour to drive to Target. So, I have no choice but to put on my wolf t-shirt and go to WM for my toothpaste. For the 3 teeth I have left.
loved your ode and its hateful when people do that!
ReplyDeleteCan I just say again...this is my FAV post in a long while. What do the kids say - in a minute?
ReplyDeleteOk. I had my hubby read it who may as well be covered in cobwebs he has no ides wth social media is, blogging, facebook...etc. and he laughed his ass off. Literally, it's somewhere in Grand Central.
xx
Cristina
Holy Sh*t! You are a better woman than I am. I'd have started screaming bloody murder and gone ka-ray-zee if some strangers were touching my kids. Well, my niece and nephew - but you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteHow? Why? W.T.F???
And now I have Five Knocked Up Teeeens stuck in my head. Nice. *smooch*
I have been to the walmart (PS I hate going to walmart but sometimes you have too) and there are crazies. I apparently don't look like a nice person because nobody has ever tried to talk to me or my kids. Lucky Me! Hope I didn't just jinks myself.
ReplyDeleteOMG Alicia that is hill(freakin)larious!!!! I get instant migraines every time I step foot in to a walmart.So me being without children i usually wait to go late at night. You were way to nice to those crackheads. Doing what I do as a grown up job I would have told them to go to H-E-Double hockey sticks as soon as they thought about stepping foot in my vacinity! Merry Christmas I'll cherish this song forever!!!
ReplyDeleteI just peed myself laughing! I can't stand Walmart. I get the shakes whenever I get within 300 yards of the place.
ReplyDeleteYou must have seen the People of Walmart emails floating around out there...this song toally made me them.
I despise Wal-mart. You can find me at Target too...
ReplyDeleteOh my freaking goodness...who effin does that? Well obviously crackheads at WalMart but still.
ReplyDeleteOH. MY. FREAKING! WORD!
ReplyDeleteGirl, you have outdone yourself!!!
Loved it.
Hep C. lol!!!
Your song in AWESOME!!!
ReplyDeleteI cannot believe those women were touching your kids like that! You have more restraint than me, I would had a smackdown with them!!
I can't believe the nerve of some people, or can i? I mean it is Walmart ;)
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, your song is freakin hilarious...i just went to Walmart yesterday and found myself scared and begging to go back to Target where it feels safe.
OMG! This was my first visit to your blog and that is the funniest post ever!!! Soooo glad I found you! I was at Walmart with the kids yesterday and all I kept saying all the way home...I HATE Walmart!
ReplyDeleteI affentionately refer to Wally-World as "The Big Evil Place". last time I was there I saw 2 he/she's and several candidates for CHIP (Child In Need of Protection). I avoid it like the plague....unless I need live fish. Pop by my blog for THAT story :(. After that episode you prob will see me in The People Of Wal-Mart.
ReplyDeleteahahahahaha! I love your song.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering where you were, but I didn't have too much time to think about it since I was busy having a baby.
Next time don't go away for so long. :)