Whoa whoa whoa Miss Lippy...

Ahhh...the sweet smell of glue is in the air! And that can only mean one thing, SCHOOL IS ABOUT TO START! Do you hear the angels singing?! Holy longest friggin summer of my LIFE! I remember loving summer as a kid, but man, it straight sucks now. If I hear the phrase "I'm bored" one more time I'm going to stab myself in the eye. I'm just being honest. I think I need to develop some form of addiction so I can go to rehab and get a vacation. Crack sounds good.

{Back to school, back to school, to prove to dad that I'm not a fool...I've got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight}

Don't get me wrong, we've had some fun times this summer, going on family trips, hangin' with la familia, hittin' up the pool, bbq's galore...it was legit. But I'm looking forward to getting back to blogging, peeing in peace, taking a shower and shaving both legs, sanity a routine. It's back to school, soccer practice, homework and all the insanity in between and I am SO excited!

So this weekend we're going to have one last hoorah and then its back to school for the kids and its off to VACATION next weekend for this girl! You know dang right! I love my little ones, but after 2 and a half months of waking up to their screaming faces I could use a little R & R. South Lake Tahoe here we come....glorious!

But this weekend is a little bittersweet, my baby brother is heading off to the University of Arizona, and its going to be strange not seeing his goofy face around. I can't even think about it without crying....tear....

Have a wonderful weekend folks!! I know we will!

Happy Friday the 13th!

ps- sorry the giveaway didn't get posted yet, just waiting on one last thing from the sponsor!

click on image for source

Taking in the scenery....

While we were in Monterey, we set out to Pebble Beach to coast down 17 mile drive and take in the sights. That's where we saw this stud....just throwin' out the vibe. Rawr. Don't swoon all at once ladies, I know its hard to take your eyes off of that rump roast. You're welcome.

{Crack is whack kids...}


Happy Wednesday!

Grandma knows best...

It's not a secret that I HATE going to Wal-Mart. But sometimes...sometimes...I enjoy my visit there. Last night took the proverbial cake. Best Wal-Mart trip EVER! Hands down. Even better than the time that crackhead tried to kiss my kids. Blech. So grab a snack and a cold beverage and I'll tell you all about it...

Jordan and I had the kids in tow as we headed to the store. We had barely made it through the doors when I was approached by a sweet lookin' Grandma with a Betty White vibe. She stopped me short, clasped my hand in hers and proceeds to say "You are the most adorable thing!" Dang straight Grandma!!! I smiled at her and thanked her kindly, telling her she was too sweet. All the while, she kept her vulture grasp on my hand. Next she turned her attention to The Hubs and instructs him to "Tell her everyday just how adorable she is! Don't you forget it!" (Did ya hear that J? Everyday. Take notes!)

{Don't let the sweet smile fool you!}

Grandma loosened her grip, and just as I thought our little encounter was coming to an end she grabs me by the shoulders, pulls me in close, and tells me she's got a secret for me. I'm so close to her face I can smell the Poligrip. "Panties!!", she whispers. "Buy yourself 3 pairs of panties. Black, red, and pink. Got that?!" WHOA! Holy crap! In the blink of an eye Grandma's morphed from Betty White to Sue Johanson! I wasn't sure whether I should run or take notes...so I took notes.

{She's the sexpert}

"The men, they love that stuff. Trust me. And now, you've got to be a real babe in the bedroom," she purred in my ear "Mmmhhmm. You've got to make him want you more than those girls on Dancing With the Stars! You don't want your man to go looking in other ladies bedrooms." (For the record, he KNOWS better.)

So I assured her that things in that department are, ahem, covered and thankfully she morphed back into Betty White and continued lecturing Jordan all about cherishing me, being a gentleman, and all about how adorable I am. She counseled us to always express our love for one another and as she gave me one last hug she says "Hold on to this one, he's a hunk!". And just like that she was gone, and I was headed to the pantie aisle...

Grandma was a little crazy, but her eyesight was obviously perfect! ADORABLE FOLKS! Best trip ever.

{I found J some red pantaloons....meow}

Sanity, $54,000, and berfdays...

It's 2:00 in the morning and yes....I should probably be sleeping instead of reading celebrity gossip about Suri Cruise throwing a temper tantrum the latest in world news, but I needed to enjoy the silence just a little bit longer. I want to remember the peaceful silence, the clean house, and the feeling of sanity one last time, because my kids have the ENTIRE week off of school. Right about now is when my grip on sanity starts to fade....and despair sets in.

SHOOT ME NOW!! I mean honestly, were the head honchos at the district office hittin' the crack pipe a little hard when they decided this??? Who gets a random week off in February?? A day or two. Fine. I can deal. Nothing a little McDonald's happy meal and some Wii games can't handle. But a week??? Those wretched heartless nincompoops! All this nonsense about furlough days and what not. BAH! You try spending a whole week with my children of the corn and then talk to me about furlough days! It's all about the Ritalin and Red Bull this week folks. Pray for me. Better yet, pray for my kids.

And speaking of folks hittin' the crack pipe a little too hard, take a look at this....


Let me begin by saying, I love a nice Louis Vuitton hand bag. But $54,000 for THIS?? That's not a typo... $54,000 PEOPLE! I just don't get it. I went to fashion school. I can appreciate avante garde, haute couture, and daring pieces...but really? I mean REALLY? Yikes.

But it's Monday and that can only mean one thing....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAYRA!!!!
i heart her...

Go on over and wish this amazing little lady and happy happy berfday!! And have yourself a great Monday while you're at it....

The Toilet Paper Throwdown...

2 DAYS!

For 2 days I've had to wipe my 'personals' with NAPKINS! And it's not because I'm out of toilet paper. I have PLENTY of toilet paper. It's because my husband is stubborn. Here's the thing...if you FINISH the roll, then you REPLACE the roll. Right? Right!!!

WRONG, as far as Jordan is concerned at least. Do you know what he did??? He left the cardboard roll for me. umexcuseme?! It's like a slap in the face! I have IBS and food allergies folks. When it comes to bathroom time a cardboard roll isn't going to stand a chance against my artillery! I need something with durability! Like my heavy duty double quilted bath tissue. So I'm staring at the empty roll and ask my husband sweetly, "Babe....center of my universe....sunshine in my life...would you please go grab me some toilet paper? Thank you love, I do so appreciate it." **bats eyelashes**

You know what this fool did? He handed me a wash cloth. A-hem. I birthed your children with this....and you hand me a WASH CLOTH.....Fine. I'll use your stupid wash cloth....but this means WAR! I refused to put a new roll on. He finished the last one and he WOULD replace it with a new one! And so it began....

And for the last 2 days I've been either sneaking off to use the kids bathroom, using napkins from the kitchen (holy chaffing batman, pass the Boudreaux's butt paste!), or smuggling toilet paper in my bra. I mean a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!!

I'm making a statement here folks. I'm proving a point!!

And guess what...I WON! That's right! Victory is mine! You know how you spell victory? A-L-I-C-I-A! Because last night, I came home and found this waiting for me....

{Now this is love....18 rolls of love}

{Soooo much softer than napkins...and towels...and socks...ha!}

And now if you'll excuse me, I have a hot date with my toilet, Good Housekeeping magazine, and 18 rolls of deliciously soft toilet paper.

Ode To Wal Mart...

I try to stay away from the breeding ground of darkness known as 'Wal Mart', especially on the 1st and 15th, but sometimes I just don't have a choice. So I pulled up my big girl panties, loaded up the kids, and headed off to savings city. I should have known when I saw the sea of cars in the parking lot that it was gonna be a bad idea....but Noooooo, I had to go in. We hadn't walked but 20 yards from the entrance doors when all of a sudden I saw them. Two crackheads making a bee line for my cart. CRAP! Next thing I know crackhead #1 had taken The Little Miss' pacifier out of her mouth and is pinching her cheek! UGHHHH!! So in my attempt to be polite I banter a little convo back and forth with the crazy and try to continue on my way. I turn around to find crackhead #2 tickling my boys! WTF?!? By this time I am FUMING. Don't. touch. my. kids. ever. I pulled the boys to my side, turned to grab my cart and CRACKHEAD #1 IS KISSING MY DAUGHTER ON THE CHEEK!!

NO! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! THAT WAS IT! I bit back a curse, shot the look of death, and peaced the heck out! Thanks for the hepatitis C fool! I'm gonna go boil my daughter now!! Screw savings, I'm stickin' to Target.

So as a keepsake of the not-so-good times I've had, I've written a song...an ode to Wal-Mart, if you will....sang to the tune of the 12 days of Christmas...(**NOTE:I added a verse at the beginning, I was a pregnant teen, and this isn't meant to offend..fyi...oh yeah, you have to sing while you read it to get the full effect**)

ahem....

On this day in December
I'm screaming 'Woe is me!'
Cuz Wal-Mart is the place to be..

I hate it more than Labor,
But their sales can't be beat!
So let me tell you what I did see...

12 Tranny hookers
11 Ma's in moo-moos
10 Wheelchair's whirling
9 Nascar racefans
8 Pimps a pimpin'
7 Toothless crackheads
6 Men with mullets
5 Knocked up teeeeeeeens!
4 Wolf t-shirts
3 Drunk dudes
2 Pantless chicks
and one crazy lady spreading Hep C....


If you need me I'll be at Target.

Breathe In, Breathe Out...

Dun dun duuuuunnn!! The moment of truth has arrived.

I'm just not sure I want to hear the truth!! But there's no getting out of it...today is Mason's first real PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE! ..well crap...Technically we had his first conference in kindergarten but it revolved mainly around finger painting and abc's and all that hoopla...this time it's the real deal.. SUCK! I don't think my frazzled nerves can take it! Can't I just send the teacher a note saying I know he's a crackhead, I'm sorry, here's a gift certificate to Target, go buy yourself something nice??

I mean, as much as I want to hear about how he sings Super Freak in class (true story...proud mother right here), shakes his booty then tells the teacher he's 'dropping it like its hot', and kisses the ladies on the playground, I'm not sure I can handle any surprises. Just sitting here typing about it is putting me on the verge of a panic attack! Because at the end of the day I'M responsible for that sweet little boy, and his mellow disposition....HAAA!!! Who am I kidding?? Mellow my arse! He's about as calm as I am patient. That kid is a flippin' mini-me, it's all my fault. Thank goodness for Ritalin is all I can say. I don't think there's anything his teacher could say that would surprise me. I just hope that he hasn't scarred her too badly. Maybe I should forget the Target gift certificate and get her therapy sessions instead.

Fingers are crossed. I'm praying everything goes well. Wish us luck!

But come on....how could you not love a kid like this?

{Mason eating cake at his pre-birthday party...yeah...that's my boy!}

Friday, you're a hag!

TGI-FRIGGIN-F.

This week has been insane. Never ending 100% pure insanity. You name if, we've done it this week. Just to name a few...

* Soccer party? Check!

* Early birthday party for Mason (holy crap my baby is almost 6! wtf?!) Check!

* Jury duty? Check!

* Hanging out with Aunt Flo? Check!

* Dropped kicking my children like footballs because they were driving me NUTS??!! Check! Almost....so close....dang security cameras getting in the way!

Sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln does it ever end!?

And as if this week hasn't been hellish enough, my IBS has reared its ugly head and man, it has come back was a vengeance! I've come to find out that vengeance smells like spoiled lunch meat and makes your eyes water. Weird. But I'm getting off topic here...

My delicious piece of man-meat I refer to as my husband really brought his A-game this week. I mean this guy knows how to treat a lady....forget flowers and chocolates (wait...chocolates are ok, forget I said that)...screw diamonds and jewelery. I'm all about the finer things in life and Jordan knows it! Let me tell you he knew EXACTLY what I needed this week. Imagine my joy when he had his brother deliver this to our door....

Did the Heaven's just part?! What is this glorious manna I see before me?!
A MOUNTAIN of heaven's nectar....that's what it is....

{Oh sweet fountain of youth, how I love thee...}

Mmmmm

So come on Friday...show me what you've got. Because I'm saddled up and coming out guns a blazin'!! Thank goodness for liquid crack! Have an awesome weekend folks! I'll be here twitching in the corner if you need me...

I'm obsessed....

I'll admit, I obsess over little trivial things to the point where its all I can think about ALL DAY LONG. Wanna know what I've been obsessing about all day long?? What the heck we're going to carve our flippin pumpkins as! You remember those pumpkins, right? The ones we moved heaven and earth to pick out...the ones that took us not one, but TWO days of searching...the ones that had Mommy ready to start twitching while rocking back and forth in the corner singing Burt Bacharach to herself. I'm so glad we found the perfect pumpkins just we could gut and mutilate them...makes perfect sense. Moving on!! So I spent the evening searching for inspiration... searching for an image of THE ONE...

I present....

{the hamburglar's coming for this one!}


{who does this???}


{too much candy corn for this little fella}


{ :) }


{“Rule 17: Don’t turn your back on bears, men you have wronged or the dominant Turkey during mating season.”- Dwight}

Hmmm....so many options, so little time...To be honest I don't care what it looks like, as long as I can make a friggin pie out of it....

A little OCD never hurt anybody.....

I've always noticed Mason has certain little... 'ticks'. He has these little ticks that just make him the crazy little crackhead spirited whipper snapper that he is. Like his OCD traits. Yesterday he was playing WII so mommy could take a nap as a reward for having a great day at school, and when I asked him to shut it off he literally had a meltdown because one of the ranking spots had a zero score in it. Let me explain, there were slots for 1st through 5th place, and he had only played 4 times...the fact that one of the spots said zero literally had him in hysterics. It had nothing to do with getting more play time, it was the zero that just plagued him. You could see it in his eyes that his entire mental balance depended on this zero being replaced with a score. The poor kid was losing it! So I let him play one last time, the score showed, and he was hunky dory. No zeros. Life is good. My own little Howard Hughes in training. Mama's so proud.

This got me thinking of the 'ticks' this little family unit has. Take Jordan for instance (bus...meet Jordan as he goes under it). Jordan HAS TO make the bed every night before getting in it. I KNOW!! That doesn't make any sense!!! Why make the bed when you're going to get IN the bed?? But whatev...he has to or he can't sleep. So last night it's about 1am and I'm nestled in bed dreaming of Jordan hand feeding me delicious pizza and chocolate shakes in his little loin cloth...yeah that's right...meoooooww...when all of a sudden hunky loin cloth dream Jordan turns into creepy-gonna smother your face with a pizza-freaky Jordan and I wake up to find him standing next to me MAKING THE BED OVER ME!!!!

WHAT. THE. HECK???!!!!

Now I'm glad you've got to center your chi or whatever the heck you're doing, but you don't have to WAKE ME UP because you're OCD is on overdrive!!! It's 1AM! And I was PERFECTLY comfortable, thank you very much! Get the flip in bed!! And put the loin cloth back on!!!!

So yeah....we're a little OCD up in this piece. But I can't say I'm surprised....Mason is exactly like ME!! HAHA!! Poor poor soul....I know exactly where he gets his crazy genes personality from! So you wanna know my biggest 'tick'? For the longest time, anything I did with my right hand I would mirror with my left. Discreetly though....it wasn't completely obvious or anything. So when I would write with my right hand, my pointer finger on the left hand would rub on the desk and mirror it. I've learned to control myself now, BUT now I have the awesome ability to do this....go on....watch it...

{my hands look freaky in that...stupid phone camera}

But anyhow...Now I write with both hands at the same time mirroring each other. It's like second nature now, but I bet you could do it. Go try, you know you want to...I won't tell...but let me know if it works! See....at least my weird obsession doesn't WAKE PEOPLE UP in the middle of the night and take away hunky mane meat in skimpy outfits with DELICIOUS pizza.....