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I can't handle it anymore! Something needs to be done. The Offender must be stopped!! And since I can't walk around with a belt made of air fresheners, I suppose that means I'll have to stop cheating on my diet. Stupid IBS. Stupid allergy shmallergies. Stupid horrid, awful, tear-inducing gas. Oh yeah...its that bad.
And I don't mind having gas. No big deal, everyone farts, right? Right. But not everyone makes puppies yelp and rainbows dissolve with the intensity of the aroma. That's just me apparently. And normally its not this bad, I swear. Jordan, don't you dare comment. I will cut you. But it's normally not this offensive. I can crop dust through the store and nobody is the wiser. I do the one cheek sneak at the restaurant and it goes undetected. It's not my fault people. IBS here. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!
But lately I've been forced to peruse the undesirable sections of Target, like the hangers and ironing boards, just so I can pass a little gas because my stomach is distended from the insane amount of gas. Then I do a little shake, and walk it off...hoping the stench doesn't follow. BUT on the off chance someone happens to encounter me during one of these moments and gets smacked in the face by montezuma's revenge I've got it all figured out. I'll slyly look at Boogie, peek into his diaper and loudly say "Oh Boogie! Did you go poopy??". Genius......or...
OR I could just stop cheating on my lame diet....You know what a diet is don't you? It's DIE with a t at the end of it... sigh....goodbye chocolate...mama loves you, but I've got to be good now. I'm gonna go cry now and lick the pages of my Bon Appetit magazine...while I fart.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
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bwahahahahahaha...dude!!! you poor thing!!! this has to be put at the top of the cure list along with the big guys...well maybe not that high...but there has to be SOMETHING that can be worked out!!! a woman should not have to go without chocolate!! it should be illegal actually!
ReplyDeleteand i feel the pain for those poor folks who happen upon it b/c i was crop dusted not once but TWICE while out cmas shopping this weekend...and ohmygawsh it was bad...bad bad...oofa!!
i suggest that you do not part from both your younger kids and your 2 dogs...and just keep blaming them...
ReplyDeleteand when i'm super rich i'll get someone to invent Alicia's chocolate.deal?
this is the most HILARIOUS thing I have EVER read. hahahahahahhahahaahahaha... seriously., so funny.
ReplyDeleteDon't stop cheating, just blame it on the children. I like that idea.
ReplyDeleteOh man - what a curse. It's even more horrible because you're forced to fart in public places, and farting in a public place is like sending up a beacon.
ReplyDeleteExample: I used to work as a stocker in the freezer section of a grocery store. I worked IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, when the store was closed. There were like three other people besides me. But one time I farted, and seriously? It was the ONE TIME that like ALL of the other stockers needed to be in my section.
hahahahah girl you and me both! you aren't the only one and I'm pretty sure my husband might divorce me soon.
ReplyDeleteWould a chocolate martini induce the stink?
ReplyDeleteHahahahaaaa! You crack me up! My husband is a chronic crop duster! Such a shame to have to go without chocolate though....
ReplyDeleteLMAO, the image of you trying to shake the fart off is cracking me up!
ReplyDeleteWho knew something that stinks so bad could come outta someone so cute... : )
ReplyDeleteThat's what kids do to a woman..brings on the IBS..at least that's when mine stank along. Ugh, I know the feelin'. I'm not shy 'bout it either..seriously, why fret over something that every single person does.
ReplyDeleteBwahahaha! I never knew farts were so funny!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I feel your pain. I have similar food allergies that send my stomach revolting and my family running for the gas masks.
Ward likes to drop them in the store and real loudly blame me!!
ReplyDeleteGotta do what ya' gotta do.
Maybe I need to check into this IBS thing. I am gassy lately!
ReplyDeleteThat is hysterical, because I have experienced the same thing, but I blame it on the dog!
ReplyDeleteI feel you sister. I'm eating brown rice, beans and squash right now. SO boring. I miss cheese.
ReplyDeleteI'm truly saddened to hear of your fierce wind.
ReplyDeleteIBS sounds torturous and I wish your body would suddenly right itself and say, "Wait a second. You said cheese? No, cheese is fine! It's the wheat germ and soy products I can't digest. Pfft, cheese. What a notion!"
Way to crop-dust, my friend. It really is an art.
AHHH hahahhaha I'm so sorry!! I think we've all been there!! I just try to carry around a little body spray, keep it in my pocket.. and you know-spray the shit out of the immediate area!
ReplyDeleteLick the pages of Bon Appetit. I thought I was gonna die! Seriously, I laughed for like five minutes.
ReplyDeleteYou slay me woman!
I understand only I've been avoiding the what I eat may be causing all my problems for years now. I like avoidance and luckily I'm not quite that bad yet - although I do have a kid to blame it on if it gets that bad.
ReplyDeletehee hee--too funny. It sucks though to not be able to indulge...i feel for ya girl!
ReplyDeletelmao, blame it on the kids, ask them to pull your finger, then run!!
ReplyDeletesmooches,
Sassy Chica
lmao...you're hilarious! You're not alone, everyone goes through it at least once...to twice :)
ReplyDeleteoh darling that is awful!! hopefully it goes away asap.
ReplyDeletegood job using the baby as your cover!! How horrible to have to put up with all those crappy symptoms, though. I feel for ya..
ReplyDeleteThe one cheek sneak has officially become part of my vocabulary. Thanks for that. It's almost as if I wasn't living before now.
ReplyDeleteLeigh
Okay, so maybe I should be thankful we never got to hang last month! =)
ReplyDeleteAnd what is this diet you speak of???
my pregnant farts challenge your cheating diet farts, any day.
ReplyDeleteThis is so "stinkin" funny!!!!!!! Literally!!!! hilarious!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteWe knew it was going to be tough going into the Holidays!!! LE SIGH! Darn amazing food everywhere. You're hilarious...and blame it on the kids...hahaha
ReplyDeletelove you lady!
Glad Im not the only one who crop dusts a store....keep the chocolate and blame the kiddo!
ReplyDeleteoh man...do i know that stench! dave has his moments (don't tell him i told you) and literally the entire house smells like decomposing babies. OOF! it's DISGUSTING!
ReplyDeletei guess i should mention my love of beans at this point. yup, i'm a beaner and you know what that means...bean farts which are anything but fruity.well at least we're being honest with each other. that's why i love you lady!
oh honey, I don't know what I ate but the last few days I have smelt awful! I don't know what you're going through with the IBS but oh it sucks with the smell.
ReplyDeleteDiets'll do that. I agree with many above. Don't cheat. Blame others if at all possible!
ReplyDeleteYou poor thing! This just sucks, good luck sticking to your air friendly diet!
ReplyDeleteOh no... your poor gassy girl. But honestly... the diaper idea?? Genius!!
ReplyDeleteThat blows! Pun intended. Sorry chicka! I love that you have a sense of humor about it though. Hang in there..
ReplyDeleteOh great, now I'm crying...one because I do feel SO bad for you right now with having to diet during the holiday pig-out-on-sweets season. And two, I'm crying and can't breathe because I'm laughing so hard, only because I've done the go-hide-in-a-corner-of-Target thing to pass some gas, and I've done my share of blaming the baby. Girl, do what you gotta do to stay sane.
ReplyDeleteYou write with humor but it can't all be that way. I don't have IBS but have used the Target trick.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the holday goodies ahead.
oh damn feel so sorry about it! but let me console you..i dont suffer from IBS butsometimes my gas can kill!
ReplyDeleteAs long as you always have either a small chld or animal with you, I'd say you're safe. My husband has something dead in his colon, I'm convinced. I don't understand how he can't be in horrible pain and agony with the stench that comes out...
ReplyDeleteHave you tried like Gas-X? I force them down my husband's throat in his sleep so I don't hurl. They work!!
I love reading your blog...it always cracks me up!!!
ReplyDeleteAww, it's not fun is it? Especially for those shopping behind you ;)
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, it's hard to make food changes.
well this sounds perfectly miserable! i am so sorry for your poor tummy problemas!
ReplyDeleteOne cheek sneak? I bow at your creativeness!
ReplyDeleteYou should shop with us after we eat at Taco Bell. 4 guys with questionable food on the gut. I had to commando crawl through a green cloud screaming save yourselves!
Dude..You crack me up lady!! Sorry you suffer..I have no medical reason for my stanks...My hub always says something died..I guess my insides are rotten...I HATE diets
ReplyDeleteLOL! Oh you poor thing, I feel sorry for you!
ReplyDeleteYou make me laugh so hard!
Gawd, Alicia, you are such a little nasty ass! Still love you though, and I've heard that other people, not saying me, but like, someone I know, does that blame it on the kid thing. Works like an effing charm!
ReplyDeletePoor you, IBS sucks. But great idea about the dirty nappy!
ReplyDeleteStopping by from SITS...
ReplyDeleteI'm laughing and feeling sorry for you...at the same time! You are too funny. I love your honesty and willingness to poke fun at yourself. It's my first time stopping by, but I'll be sure to come back again.
Kristi, Hello...Is This On?
@TweetingMama
Ok, girl.... I don't LITERALLY... LOL often, that is widely over~used if you ask me, but I am practically peeing myself right now, laughing out loud! You are a trip and bless you for being honest enough to talk about crap (no pun intended) that we never really tackle!
ReplyDeleteGigantic hugs and farts,
Christina
oxoxox
Isn't this why we have kids - to blame them for whatever comes out of our ass that we don't want others to think we are responsible for?
ReplyDeleteThat's why I have 5. You have no idea what happens when I am PMSing.
Stopped in from SITS.
xx
Cristina
my poor thing. i so know what you mean. i mentioned this before that i have a SLUGGISH GI system, right? SO, I KNOW! UGH. Wishing you a gas free weekend. xo
ReplyDeleteHey it's me...your colon colmpadre. I ate mashed potatoes with sour cream AND cream cheese in it tonight. I will be fartin like a banshee by tomorrow so you will be in good company. Frickin IBS.
ReplyDeletep.s did you know if you do a left-cheek-sneak on a vinyl chair it makes a really cool sound? Just checkin :)
You poor thing. I know I've told you I have a gluten intolerance, but before I knew that, I was sick ALL THE TIME. I used to eat Gas X like candy. It kinda tastes like candy. My stomach still gets upset sometimes, but not nearly as bad. I'm so sorry! Someone needs to come up with a cure for IBS!
ReplyDeleteI get gassy when my period's about to hit...and when I was preggers? The placemat section of target was the official fart zone.
ReplyDeleteHope it gets better soon!
hahaha I totally know how you feel. The worst is having it at work and everyone being around you since you sit in cubicles. It is horrible!
ReplyDeleteHey there woman, you won our hammered pear pendant necklace! Send me your contact info pretty please!
ReplyDeleteMy stomach still gets upset sometimes, but not nearly as bad. I'm so sorry! Someone needs to come up with a cure for IBS!
ReplyDeleteWork from home India