Bust out the berfday banana because...

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY FOLKS!!

That's right, today's the day! The big 2-7! And while I wish I could spend the day stuffing my face with a delicious treat like this...

{Full of gluten and dairy and all things DELICIOUS! nom nom nom!}

I'll have to settle for something a little less mudbutt inducing, like this...

{Allergy friendly for this girl please! wah wah wahhhh}



I'd rather not spend my birthday in the bathroom, thankyouverymuch.

So pass the banana and bust out the pinata because its party time!!

Thanks for all the warm birthday wishes, you guys rock!!



ps- don't forget about the awesome berfday giveaway, my gift to you!



**images via we heart it**

It's game time!

It's no secret that I'm allergic to pretty much everything, but that doesn't stop me from chowing down on some major offenders every once in a while. But before I take the first bite and risk getting major mudbutt, horrendous gas, crazy bloating, itchy rashes my health I have to ask myself is 'Is it worth it?'...

So come on down folks, it's time to play a little game I like to call

Is is worth the rash??

Items are based on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being a HECK YES! Shall we begin?

churros.....
....4....

Sweet sugary goodness on a stick, you're scrumptious....but not THAT scrumptious.

cheese....
....10.....

Delicious...amazing...smelly arse cheese. I love you baby. I miss you. Seriously, if it smells like a hoof, I'll probably love it. It's been a looooong time since I've had a rendezvous with this dairy delicacy....mama's coming for you.

sushi...
....7....

This folks is perhaps the WORST offender of them all. But it's like a drug...I just crave it. But I've learned the trick...TAKE OUT! Yup...eaten from the comforts of my own home, and within a close vicinity of the toilet.

spaghetti....

...5...

I can't make up my mind on this one. I'm so torn!

bread...
...9...

Biscuits! Toast! Sandwiches! Bagels! WAFFLES!! I MISS BREAD!!!!!! I'll bloat like Lindsay Lohan after a weekend bender, I don't even care!!! It's been too long!

enchiladas....

....6...

I have to admit...this much cheese scares me, and my bowels!! But just imagine how delicious it would be.... nom nom nom

Thanks for playing folks! Looks like I have a hot date with a wheel of cheese and a fresh baguette. I better put on my stretchy pants for maximum bloat comfort.

Talking dirty to carbs...

Dear Manna from heaven,

Warm, delicious, flaky, doughy goodness that you are...

I miss you baby. My darling bread, it's been far too long. I've tried to stop thinking about you....really I have. But I can't get you out of my mind! Rye, Wheat, Sourdough, Ciabatta, Flat bread....I'm talking dirty now!! What I wouldn't give for a french baguette and a tub of butter. I'd slather you up like its nobody's business. Sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln I would mess. you. up....that's the truth.

{Mmmmm....come to mama...}

And while we're at it, let's heat things up and bring your friend Cheese along. It's been a while since dairy and I have been together, but I've been known to throw back a couple of grilled cheese in my day....now we're really talking. Don't be scared. I'll take reeeeeal good care of you. Even the crust...I love it all. Nothing says 'I love you' like melted cheese on a slice of heavenly carb goodness...and baby, I Loooooove you. With a capital L.

{Nom nom nom...}

Don't look at me like that....I've tried to walk away from you! But you're there every time I turn around....tempting me. Calling me from the pantry. Taunting me with that delicious aroma!! I've tried to forget about you, distracting myself with steamy vegetable affairs and sweet fruit lovin'. It's just not the same...I just want you to know how much I miss you. Those rice and potatoes mean nothing to me! Just remember that. I'll never find another love like you....

With all my love...

My stomach

*bread pic borrowed from living in peru & grilled cheese from sodahead

The Offender...

I can't handle it anymore! Something needs to be done. The Offender must be stopped!! And since I can't walk around with a belt made of air fresheners, I suppose that means I'll have to stop cheating on my diet. Stupid IBS. Stupid allergy shmallergies. Stupid horrid, awful, tear-inducing gas. Oh yeah...its that bad.

And I don't mind having gas. No big deal, everyone farts, right? Right. But not everyone makes puppies yelp and rainbows dissolve with the intensity of the aroma. That's just me apparently. And normally its not this bad, I swear. Jordan, don't you dare comment. I will cut you. But it's normally not this offensive. I can crop dust through the store and nobody is the wiser. I do the one cheek sneak at the restaurant and it goes undetected. It's not my fault people. IBS here. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!

But lately I've been forced to peruse the undesirable sections of Target, like the hangers and ironing boards, just so I can pass a little gas because my stomach is distended from the insane amount of gas. Then I do a little shake, and walk it off...hoping the stench doesn't follow. BUT on the off chance someone happens to encounter me during one of these moments and gets smacked in the face by montezuma's revenge I've got it all figured out. I'll slyly look at Boogie, peek into his diaper and loudly say "Oh Boogie! Did you go poopy??". Genius......or...

OR I could just stop cheating on my lame diet....You know what a diet is don't you? It's DIE with a t at the end of it... sigh....goodbye chocolate...mama loves you, but I've got to be good now. I'm gonna go cry now and lick the pages of my Bon Appetit magazine...while I fart.

No rhyme or reason....just gas

Dude. I stink. Seriously. I'm so gassy it's ridiculous. Uggghhhh. It's kind of hard to focus on writing because the stench is just pungent. Like hot mustard meets sumo took a dump on a burning tire pungent. You know it's bad when you make your own eyes water. I guess that's what I get for slightly cheating on my diet....and eating an entire pot of beans in the last 2 days..What? Don't look at me like I'M crazy. They're gluten, dairy, meat, and seafood free. Moving on....

I've missed you all this weekend. We were non friggin stop since Friday...here's the low-down...

FRIDAY NIGHT- Snuggled on Miss E's new baby girl, whom I love and adore and want to keep as my own....I love new baby smell, it's better that puppy breath.

{the new little miss....gorgeous like her mama}

Went to go hang out with Miss B at the hospital because she was STILL pregnant...that's right. She was induced Thursday morning and still no baby by Friday night! Yeah. No thank you.

SATURDAY- Our morning was historic. Mason had his first soccer game and he did AMAZING! Can you say VICTORY?! We totally trashed the other team. Not that it's about winning.... pfffttt....BAH!... Oh my gosh that's such a LIE! It's totally about being the winner winner chicken dinner!! WHOOP WHOOP! And I am now an official soccer mom. Official- like a ref with a whistle, as we like to say in these parts. It was a proud moment. I channeled my inner Victoria Beckham and I worked that field like it was nobody's business. And by worked I mean- screamed and yelled from the sidelines while snapping photos and handing out snacks, with a baby on my hip and a flip of the hair. That's how I roll yo.

Checked in with Miss B- still pregnant.....yeah. I know.

Then we decided to pack up and head out for the weekend. So we took the kids up to the grandparent's for a little mini-vacay. While the kids tormented the in-laws, the hubs and I headed out for some fun and hit up a friends wedding reception. Now I'd love to post on that, but I just can't. I'll leave it at that. BUT on the bright side I had on a faaaaabulous outfit!!

Checked in with Miss B- FINALLY had her sweet little man that evening!!! Poor girl had been in there since THURSDAY morning...yikes.

{the new little man....watch out ladies!}

Rocked out to some Phil Collins and Wreckx-N-Effect....ya know...all I wanna do is a zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom, just shake your rump!

SUNDAY- Chillleeeeed. Didn't do a dang thing except head home to go snuggle Miss B's stubborn little man, who I plan on adding to my collection of 'babies I want to stick in my purse and take home'.

All in all it was an awesome weekend, full of good times, babies, rump shaking tunes, and a heck of a lot of beans.

Note to self: no more beans.

Alright, the stench is killing me, I've got to go to share some of this sweet aroma with the hubs. Curses to IBS....and delicious beans. I'll be back tomorrow in full effect. If you need me before then, check the toilet.

Operation: Iron Stomach

I've reached my breaking point and it's not going to be pretty. I have been SO patient. I have tried SO hard...but I'm on the edge folks. It's been some time now since Dr.X ruined my life and took away all things delicious and delectable. Telling me some hogwash about 'allergies shmallergies' and 'IBS' , having to change my diet and what not. What a bunch of crap. And I have to say that I've been pretty dang good about heeding this quack's orders...but if I don't have some friggin dairy and loaf of bread I'm gonna lose it. It really hit me last night when we took the offspring to the Rite Aid to treat them to some delicious Thrifty's ice cream (it's like heaven in your mouth in case you've never tried it) when all of a sudden my emotions over came me and suddenly I was angry. Frustrated and angry. It has been SO long since I've had a meal I've truly enjoyed. It's been SO long since I could just peruse the pantry and sit down with a smorgasbord of snacks. But I think the most frustrating part is, is that it has been SO long since I've truly been satisfied after eating.

So....I've devised a plan. I'm scheduling a cheat day! Mmmmhmmmm....It's gonna be glorious!

Diet? Pffftt....What diet??

Bust out the dairy, bring on the gluten, screw all the allergies....it's on like donkey kong!!

Hello lover...oh how I miss thee...let me count the ways....

Oh I can see it now!! A giant bagel slathered in cream cheese for breakfast. A grilled cheese and milkshake from In n out for lunch..mmmm...a baguette with spinach dip for a snack...yeah, now I'm really talking dirty....I have to admit I'm slightly drooling and shaking in anticipation....even getting a little gassy just thinking about it...stupid IBS.

I heart you too delicious....one day, you will be mine...

I may even throw in some fro yo and a pizza just to really seal the deal. I figured I'd have to spend all day on the throne anyway. Like they say, you do the crime you pay the time. I don't even care. I'll eat a friggin sandwich on the pot. It's totally worth it. I mean if I'm gonna get sick from eating a piece of cheese, I may as well eat the whole pizza, right?!

I wouldn't even have to leave....I could blog to my heart's content...

But don't worry. I'll take the proper precautions. I'll take my special concoction I've dubbed the Operation: Iron Stomach. I'm using the heavy artillery to fight this battle folks. The pepto, the prescription, the imodium, chased with a shot of Maalox. I think it's safe to say, there will be casualties. But it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! And this girl's gotta eat some frackin dairy before she loses it!!

Ok. I feel better now. I just had to vent...I'm gonna go google pizza now and lick the moniter. Hope you guys are having an awesome weekend! And a big fat hug to all the new readers, thanks for hanging out!

Mmmmmm lettuce...again...

I officially hate my bowels and greatly dislike Dr. X. But on the bright side, I'm not on this journey alone (more on that later). So it's been almost 3 weeks since Dr. X rained on my parade and laid the smack down on my bowels. Since finding out I have IBS, am lactose intolerant, and have allergies to seafood I've totally re-vamped my diet. Oh, did I mention I'm not a meat eater? Thankfully I've stopped having spontaneous hothole things have gotten a lot better in some areas. BUT...and there's always a but...other symptoms are still showing and I've been so bloated that I look 6 months pregnant! No joke.

So another chat with the doctor and guess what he says....I HAVE ALLERGIES TO GLUTEN!! You're kidding, right?! No. Not kidding. Curses bad words and more curses. But because I don't have any friggin choice like the good girl I am I followed Dr. X's orders and today was my first official day 100% gluten free (and dairy and every other delicious food in the world). And you know what? It was faaaabulous! No bloating, no crazy trips to the porcelain throne, no hot mustard gas. Maybe I should write Dr. X a thank you card, with love, from my bowels.

It's been an adjustment switching over to a pretty strict vegan diet, but I'll have to admit I feel so much healthier! Plus my kids are totally eating so much better too! And I don't think I've ever eaten so much rabbit food fruits and veggies in my entire life. Luckily I live close to several health food markets so I've been able to spend a buttload of money find some awesome vegan products so that I can actually eat something other than lettuce.

The bright side to this....due to what I found out at the doctor, a friend of mine recently went in to her doctor because she had been experiencing similar symptoms and never knew that there was a cause behind it until I got diagnosed. Guess what? She's allergic too!! At least we get to starve together find new great foods together, like this organic gluten-free non-dairy rice dream "ice cream" I'm eating right now! Whoop whoop! So thanks for all the kind words and suggestions! If any of you happen to have some vegan recipes you'd like to share I would love to try them out!!

On a random note...did anyone catch America's Got Talent?! AWESOME!! Of course it's awesome, the Hoff is on it...he's such a dreamboat...swoon.

Jillian, will you accept this rose?

The not-so-fantasy suite night....

Well it was that time of the week again...time for another fool to suck face with Jillian one last time before getting the proverbial boot! Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Kiptyn- Yeah I can't make up my mind on this guy. I can't fully trust that he's really emotionally invested in her. There's something off about him and I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it was the creepy way they kept winking at eachother...it gave me the heebie jeebies. And as far as their date was concerned it bothered me to watch Jillian be the damsel in distress. You're on a friggin rope course with a harness keeping you from plunging to certain death...get your panties out of a bunch and get on top the dang totem pole! And watching them be kissy kissy face makes me cringe. He looks like he's trying to eat her face. Blech. I knew she would keep him...but will she pick him?

Reid- Dear, sweet, Reid. Way to shoot yourself in the foot!! When a girl asks you a question 1,487 times it probably because she WANTS AN ANSWER....and I mean an answer other than 'Ya, you know...'. And avoiding the question by making out with her isn't going to work. But I guess you found that out didn't you?! At least you got a little tubbie time action before she threw you out on your hinney...that's not a bad consolation prize I suppose. Keep your head up Reid, and remember....They say love, it don't come easy....

Ed- Oy.....where to begin? How about those shorts?! Or lack there of...I mean, really?? I couldn't take my eyes off of those things! It was really sweet of Jillian to let Ed borrow her shorts, but yikes, it was just a tad distracting. I was terrified that his cash and prizes might fall out! But on a side note....his thighs were almost as nice as Jillian's! It was way sweet of him to bring his parents out though. You can tell it was really important to make this happen for Jillian. And as for the boom boom room drama. Was I the only one that though it wasn't that big a deal?! So he didn't sleep with you...um, ok, that's a bad thing why? Personally I thought it showed a great deal of character and respect on his part. Weird. If she wanted to be treated like trash she could have kept Wes around. And he dropped the L word. With a capital L. Ohh la la! The boys got some gumption! Hopefully he can redeem himself in her eyes because I'm totally rooting for Ed!

But you know what really has me excited?! THE TELL ALL!! I can't wait for the return of the cheese arse, the drunken trucker, the foot freak, the two timing cowboy, and the rest of the gang! WOO HOO! I hope some punches get thrown!! I can't wait to hear all the juice!! Man, I really need a life...so what did you think?! And Kip or Ed? Hmmm.....

Ps- Don't forget to enter the giveaway!
Pss- So I found out today that on top of being lactose intolerant, allergic to seafood, and having IBS.....I'm also allergic to gluten! this royally sucks monkey butt...I'd drown my sorrows in ice cream, but I can't. Boo.

No ice cream at this party!

I've been having "issues" for a while now. It's gotten worse after each pregnancy, so finally today I went to the Doctor to find out what the heck what going on. We'll call him Dr. X, in lieu of doctor/patient confidentiality. So I go to Dr. X's office and he asks me what brought me in...here goes!

I proceed to tell him that I think I have food allergies because my stomach CAN NOT handle food anymore. I eat, I get stomach cramps, I get mudbutt. Yeah, I'm getting personal, whatever, we're all friends, right? I tell him how badly I get gas...don't worry, I smell like roses on a spring day, and I tell him how my abdomen swells so badly I look friggin pregnant! Which is NOT the look I'm going for! But the worst part is the pain. I mean, lying on the floor in the fetal position, eyes watering, punched in the gut pain. So after a long visit, an hour of talking about "stool" (sick and wrong), and answering about 800 questions, you wanna know what this quack said?!?!

IBS....what, you didn't hear me? I said IBS....still can't hear me? IBS!! That stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome...Sweet mother of Benjamin Franklin!!! That Doc has lost his mind! THEN...he proceeds to tell me that by looking at my food diary I'm also lactose intolerant and to stop eating dairy products. Um, ok, so after 25 years of existence my body just decides it doesn't like dairy?! Eh...I don't think he understands. Thursdays are Cookies and Cream frozen yogurt day at the Big Spoon. You want me to give that up?! No milkshakes, no ice cream, no yogurt, no cheese?!?!

I've lost my will to live...just shoot me in the face now and bury me with a hunk of Gouda tucked in my hands. What kind of life is a life with no cheese?! Sigh...

So Dr. X has ordered me to keep a food diary, which I've dubbed The Captain's Log (get it...log. poop. IBS.) I thought it was clever...so that way I can tell what foods my body is rejecting. And a new medication to take on top of that. BOO!

So I guess that Mexican food tonight isn't such a great idea, huh? I'm off to go throw a pity party for myself...and no, there won't be ice cream at my party....

Farewell, my sweet delicous friend...