Bust out the berfday banana because...

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY FOLKS!!

That's right, today's the day! The big 2-7! And while I wish I could spend the day stuffing my face with a delicious treat like this...

{Full of gluten and dairy and all things DELICIOUS! nom nom nom!}

I'll have to settle for something a little less mudbutt inducing, like this...

{Allergy friendly for this girl please! wah wah wahhhh}



I'd rather not spend my birthday in the bathroom, thankyouverymuch.

So pass the banana and bust out the pinata because its party time!!

Thanks for all the warm birthday wishes, you guys rock!!



ps- don't forget about the awesome berfday giveaway, my gift to you!



**images via we heart it**

The Mudbutt Bandits...

I've always considered myself a dog person. I love dogs. They're loyal. Obedient. Companions. Loving. Man's best friend, right?

WRONG!!! That is unless your best friend leaves you steaming piles of mudbutt at 5 IN THE FRIGGIN MORNING! I'm pretty sure my bestie doesn't....I'd be slightly alarmed if she did. But for some reason Sampson and Bruiser thought it'd be a great way for Jordan and I to start the day. Screw birds chirping outside the window, the aroma of hothole is the way to go.

So there we were at 5 in the flippin morning, donning rubber gloves, undies, and scowls scrubbing doo doo butter out of the carpet. Well....Jordan was scrubbing the carpet while I had the important job of holding the trash bag and replenishing paper towels while trying not to dry heave at the same time. But I got to thinking of why exactly we still own these dogs....I mean in the last 6 months alone they've eaten a highchair, destroyed a baby jumper, demolished our backyard, raided the diaper genie...and that's just the beginning of the list!!

So why exactly do we still have these dogs? And why are they not on Craigslist?! Well because of moments like this...

{Celebrating Cinco De Mayo con la familia}

{ The mudbutt bandits strike again!}


{He takes his bodyguard role very seriously}


{Snuggle time}

{Slippin' Daddy the tongue....blech}

{Throw me a friggin' bone here}

That's why they're still here...for now. It may even have to do a little bit with the fact that they're so loyal, smart, loving, obedient, protective members of our family....maybe a little. I'm SO glad the puppy stage is finally over!! But if I have to wake up to Montezuma's revenge all up on my carpet again then we're gonna be having ourselves a little boxer giveaway! I'll even throw in a leash.

pee esss...holla holla to all the new readers! so glad you're here!! I can't wait to get to know you all better! I'm only slightly crazy....promise. HA!

No rhyme or reason....just gas

Dude. I stink. Seriously. I'm so gassy it's ridiculous. Uggghhhh. It's kind of hard to focus on writing because the stench is just pungent. Like hot mustard meets sumo took a dump on a burning tire pungent. You know it's bad when you make your own eyes water. I guess that's what I get for slightly cheating on my diet....and eating an entire pot of beans in the last 2 days..What? Don't look at me like I'M crazy. They're gluten, dairy, meat, and seafood free. Moving on....

I've missed you all this weekend. We were non friggin stop since Friday...here's the low-down...

FRIDAY NIGHT- Snuggled on Miss E's new baby girl, whom I love and adore and want to keep as my own....I love new baby smell, it's better that puppy breath.

{the new little miss....gorgeous like her mama}

Went to go hang out with Miss B at the hospital because she was STILL pregnant...that's right. She was induced Thursday morning and still no baby by Friday night! Yeah. No thank you.

SATURDAY- Our morning was historic. Mason had his first soccer game and he did AMAZING! Can you say VICTORY?! We totally trashed the other team. Not that it's about winning.... pfffttt....BAH!... Oh my gosh that's such a LIE! It's totally about being the winner winner chicken dinner!! WHOOP WHOOP! And I am now an official soccer mom. Official- like a ref with a whistle, as we like to say in these parts. It was a proud moment. I channeled my inner Victoria Beckham and I worked that field like it was nobody's business. And by worked I mean- screamed and yelled from the sidelines while snapping photos and handing out snacks, with a baby on my hip and a flip of the hair. That's how I roll yo.

Checked in with Miss B- still pregnant.....yeah. I know.

Then we decided to pack up and head out for the weekend. So we took the kids up to the grandparent's for a little mini-vacay. While the kids tormented the in-laws, the hubs and I headed out for some fun and hit up a friends wedding reception. Now I'd love to post on that, but I just can't. I'll leave it at that. BUT on the bright side I had on a faaaaabulous outfit!!

Checked in with Miss B- FINALLY had her sweet little man that evening!!! Poor girl had been in there since THURSDAY morning...yikes.

{the new little man....watch out ladies!}

Rocked out to some Phil Collins and Wreckx-N-Effect....ya know...all I wanna do is a zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom, just shake your rump!

SUNDAY- Chillleeeeed. Didn't do a dang thing except head home to go snuggle Miss B's stubborn little man, who I plan on adding to my collection of 'babies I want to stick in my purse and take home'.

All in all it was an awesome weekend, full of good times, babies, rump shaking tunes, and a heck of a lot of beans.

Note to self: no more beans.

Alright, the stench is killing me, I've got to go to share some of this sweet aroma with the hubs. Curses to IBS....and delicious beans. I'll be back tomorrow in full effect. If you need me before then, check the toilet.

A serving of love....

Rumor has it that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Huh. So I figure, what the heck, I'll give it a shot. In attempts to keep the marital bliss flowing up in this piece I've decided to throw in some new cuisine for the hubs to chow on so his love for me can burn with the intensity of a thousand suns. I want him to love me like Jon Gosselin loves Ed Hardy tees. I want him to love me like emo's love their tight jeans. I want him to love me like Richard Simmons loves sweatin' to the oldies....is that too much to ask?? I think not! So I've devised a plan....a menu of loooooove if you will. I will entice him with delicious aromas and mouthwatering delicacies...just wait til you see the menu I have planned for him...

I figured for starters I would fix him a nice wholesome breakfast...perhaps the meatini...

{bacon, eggs, toast....the whole shebang}

and some snicker bar pancakes on the side, just in case...

{caramel sauce, peanuts, chocolate syrup, & whip cream....mmm}

Perhaps a light snack between meals, just to hold him over...
like the rubix cubewhich...


For lunch I'd go with something tasty like the double bbq stack, with fries...

{2patties, pulled pork, bbq sauce, slaw, cheese & bacon}

And for the main event I would make him meatloaf, of course...

{bacon-wrapped meatloaf with a layer of mac & cheese}


with some healthy veggies on the side...like the cornhole

{Corn on the cob wrapped in hickory bacon with two hot dogs and two Colby-Jack cheese sticks wrapped in ground beef}
I'd keep dessert simple though, with maybe just a piece of cake...

I'm pretty sure his heart will just be bursting at the seams with love for me after this. Or maybe it will just be bursting.....This is going to do wonders for our marriage, I can already tell!!

ps- one more day until my awesome surprise.....aren't you so excited?!

**food items were found here**

Operation: Iron Stomach

I've reached my breaking point and it's not going to be pretty. I have been SO patient. I have tried SO hard...but I'm on the edge folks. It's been some time now since Dr.X ruined my life and took away all things delicious and delectable. Telling me some hogwash about 'allergies shmallergies' and 'IBS' , having to change my diet and what not. What a bunch of crap. And I have to say that I've been pretty dang good about heeding this quack's orders...but if I don't have some friggin dairy and loaf of bread I'm gonna lose it. It really hit me last night when we took the offspring to the Rite Aid to treat them to some delicious Thrifty's ice cream (it's like heaven in your mouth in case you've never tried it) when all of a sudden my emotions over came me and suddenly I was angry. Frustrated and angry. It has been SO long since I've had a meal I've truly enjoyed. It's been SO long since I could just peruse the pantry and sit down with a smorgasbord of snacks. But I think the most frustrating part is, is that it has been SO long since I've truly been satisfied after eating.

So....I've devised a plan. I'm scheduling a cheat day! Mmmmhmmmm....It's gonna be glorious!

Diet? Pffftt....What diet??

Bust out the dairy, bring on the gluten, screw all the allergies....it's on like donkey kong!!

Hello lover...oh how I miss thee...let me count the ways....

Oh I can see it now!! A giant bagel slathered in cream cheese for breakfast. A grilled cheese and milkshake from In n out for lunch..mmmm...a baguette with spinach dip for a snack...yeah, now I'm really talking dirty....I have to admit I'm slightly drooling and shaking in anticipation....even getting a little gassy just thinking about it...stupid IBS.

I heart you too delicious....one day, you will be mine...

I may even throw in some fro yo and a pizza just to really seal the deal. I figured I'd have to spend all day on the throne anyway. Like they say, you do the crime you pay the time. I don't even care. I'll eat a friggin sandwich on the pot. It's totally worth it. I mean if I'm gonna get sick from eating a piece of cheese, I may as well eat the whole pizza, right?!

I wouldn't even have to leave....I could blog to my heart's content...

But don't worry. I'll take the proper precautions. I'll take my special concoction I've dubbed the Operation: Iron Stomach. I'm using the heavy artillery to fight this battle folks. The pepto, the prescription, the imodium, chased with a shot of Maalox. I think it's safe to say, there will be casualties. But it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! And this girl's gotta eat some frackin dairy before she loses it!!

Ok. I feel better now. I just had to vent...I'm gonna go google pizza now and lick the moniter. Hope you guys are having an awesome weekend! And a big fat hug to all the new readers, thanks for hanging out!

Free dog! Any takers?

I'm done. I've thrown in the towel. And earlier today I made the phone calls...that's right, plural. The phone calls that make all my worries disappear...now you're wondering who I called, aren't you? Let me tell you a little bit about my day first.

There I was, lovingly preparing Little Miss Presley a wholesome breakfast when she starts to whimper. So I rush over, whisk her up from her exersaucer, and plop her on my hip. That's when I feel "IT". No. No no no no no. Oh friggin monkey butt, it is. Yup, definitely poop. The little princess had gone and caused a crime scene on her clothes, the exercauser, herself, and ME. Somehow it had worked its way down her leg and she was doing a friggin river dance to make things worse! 45 minutes, 2 baths, 2 new outfits, and 1 destroyed exersaucer later we were back in business.

So I put her in her highchair and finally start feeding her the now cold breakfast and then it hits me. The dogs!! Where are the dogs? Ok, I see Bruiser, but where on earth is Sampson? Backyard? No. Boys room? No. KITCHEN? LIVING ROOM? OH CRAP!!!

Presley's room. Mmmhhhmm.

Yeah.

Devouring the left overs of the now empty diaper genie. Breathe, Alicia, breathe....

There he was, caught red-handed (or pawed, whatever) looking at me with a chunk of diaper hanging from his mouth. I'm pretty sure I looked like one of those cartoon characters with steam coming out of their ears because let me tell you, I was TICKED!! Fuuuming mad!!

So I clean up yet another disaster and go into the kitchen to wash off, happen to peek at the clock...and WHAT THE FREAK??? It's not even TEN in the flippin MORNING and my house smells like a dang public latrine!! That's when I knew it was going to be a very. very. long day. And that my friends, is when I picked up the phone and called Jordan. I explained to him very calmly that he has a vasectomy scheduled Monday morning because we are never having any more children and that I'm hanging up my bucket and mop and taking a few days off.

Following that call, I called Aleada. Aleada is a gift from above. Aleada is a true bearer of all things happy and lemony fresh scented. Aleada is my awesome housekeeper that I treat myself to now and again. Aleada is coming first thing Wednesday morning. Ahhhhh. Aleada is my favorite.

I'm over it...

Blaaahhh...I'm so over the bachelorette!BUT...since I did waste two months of my Monday nights watching her suck face with a bunch of fraternity boozehags America's most eligible bachelors, I figured the least I could do was wrap this trainwreck up with a nice big bow and send it off.

First she "breaks Kiptyn's heart" by sending him home after sparkin' with the guy for the last few days. I'm pretty sure they exchanged a total of five words and 8 gallons of saliva. Blech. I'm sure he's completley heart broken in San Diego....or he's surrounded by beach babes who are trying to "make him feel better"...ya know what I mean? Plus I'm thinking he may be the next bachelor...

Then, Reid makes his lame attempt at winning her back. Um. You told the girl you like her 'this much' and held out your arms. Screams maturity! If that doesn't say I'm ready for a long term relationship then I don't know what does. And yeah, I felt bad for the guy, but I'm sure he can do better than Jillian. No offense to her, but after the last 2 months I don't see what all the fuss is about.

Last but not least...Ed. I'm pretty sure he just seduced her with his amazing gams in those bitty bitty shorts. And how come I never noticed the guy has a lisp?! What the heck?! I just loved when he said that he loved her with "Every bone in his body"**snicker** Every bone, Ed? Ya sure about that? That's not what she said! HAAAA! I'm funny...

All in all I'm glad its Ed she ended up with. He seems like a stand-up guy and truth be told I think they'd make some cute babies. I can't wait to find out more tomorrow night on the after the rose ceremony, because as much as I protest I'll still totally watch it! But in all honesty, I'd rather be writing about the random things going through my mind right now like.....

1- I wish Jordan was a cowboy. I read this sappy western romance novel (shut up, don't judge me) called Visions of Ransom Lake and now I want to make Jordan wear wranglers and his cowboy boots, start calling me Miss, and maybe chop some wood without a shirt on...Shortmama knows what I'm talking about!! She's all about her cowboy! Wrangler butts drive me nuts!

2- I think Mason has IBS...because that kid made some serious doo doo butter today. I mean, yikes, holy colon cleanse.

3- I need to toughen up some. Last night I made Jordan get out of bed at 1:30 because I was convinced someone was under the bed. No joke. I was terrified. The funny thing is, he did it, without even asking a question. Am I really that weird?

4- Gluten free "bread" tastes like a soggy milk bone. Remind me NEVER to eat it again. I'm pretty sure I spit up in my mouth just a little. I'd kill for a tray of brownies right now. Or a cupcake. Mmmmmm....

Mmmmmm lettuce...again...

I officially hate my bowels and greatly dislike Dr. X. But on the bright side, I'm not on this journey alone (more on that later). So it's been almost 3 weeks since Dr. X rained on my parade and laid the smack down on my bowels. Since finding out I have IBS, am lactose intolerant, and have allergies to seafood I've totally re-vamped my diet. Oh, did I mention I'm not a meat eater? Thankfully I've stopped having spontaneous hothole things have gotten a lot better in some areas. BUT...and there's always a but...other symptoms are still showing and I've been so bloated that I look 6 months pregnant! No joke.

So another chat with the doctor and guess what he says....I HAVE ALLERGIES TO GLUTEN!! You're kidding, right?! No. Not kidding. Curses bad words and more curses. But because I don't have any friggin choice like the good girl I am I followed Dr. X's orders and today was my first official day 100% gluten free (and dairy and every other delicious food in the world). And you know what? It was faaaabulous! No bloating, no crazy trips to the porcelain throne, no hot mustard gas. Maybe I should write Dr. X a thank you card, with love, from my bowels.

It's been an adjustment switching over to a pretty strict vegan diet, but I'll have to admit I feel so much healthier! Plus my kids are totally eating so much better too! And I don't think I've ever eaten so much rabbit food fruits and veggies in my entire life. Luckily I live close to several health food markets so I've been able to spend a buttload of money find some awesome vegan products so that I can actually eat something other than lettuce.

The bright side to this....due to what I found out at the doctor, a friend of mine recently went in to her doctor because she had been experiencing similar symptoms and never knew that there was a cause behind it until I got diagnosed. Guess what? She's allergic too!! At least we get to starve together find new great foods together, like this organic gluten-free non-dairy rice dream "ice cream" I'm eating right now! Whoop whoop! So thanks for all the kind words and suggestions! If any of you happen to have some vegan recipes you'd like to share I would love to try them out!!

On a random note...did anyone catch America's Got Talent?! AWESOME!! Of course it's awesome, the Hoff is on it...he's such a dreamboat...swoon.

Jillian, will you accept this rose?

No ice cream at this party!

I've been having "issues" for a while now. It's gotten worse after each pregnancy, so finally today I went to the Doctor to find out what the heck what going on. We'll call him Dr. X, in lieu of doctor/patient confidentiality. So I go to Dr. X's office and he asks me what brought me in...here goes!

I proceed to tell him that I think I have food allergies because my stomach CAN NOT handle food anymore. I eat, I get stomach cramps, I get mudbutt. Yeah, I'm getting personal, whatever, we're all friends, right? I tell him how badly I get gas...don't worry, I smell like roses on a spring day, and I tell him how my abdomen swells so badly I look friggin pregnant! Which is NOT the look I'm going for! But the worst part is the pain. I mean, lying on the floor in the fetal position, eyes watering, punched in the gut pain. So after a long visit, an hour of talking about "stool" (sick and wrong), and answering about 800 questions, you wanna know what this quack said?!?!

IBS....what, you didn't hear me? I said IBS....still can't hear me? IBS!! That stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome...Sweet mother of Benjamin Franklin!!! That Doc has lost his mind! THEN...he proceeds to tell me that by looking at my food diary I'm also lactose intolerant and to stop eating dairy products. Um, ok, so after 25 years of existence my body just decides it doesn't like dairy?! Eh...I don't think he understands. Thursdays are Cookies and Cream frozen yogurt day at the Big Spoon. You want me to give that up?! No milkshakes, no ice cream, no yogurt, no cheese?!?!

I've lost my will to live...just shoot me in the face now and bury me with a hunk of Gouda tucked in my hands. What kind of life is a life with no cheese?! Sigh...

So Dr. X has ordered me to keep a food diary, which I've dubbed The Captain's Log (get it...log. poop. IBS.) I thought it was clever...so that way I can tell what foods my body is rejecting. And a new medication to take on top of that. BOO!

So I guess that Mexican food tonight isn't such a great idea, huh? I'm off to go throw a pity party for myself...and no, there won't be ice cream at my party....

Farewell, my sweet delicous friend...

To My Little Hershey Squirt....

Dear Presley,

There is no doubt that you are adorable. Quite cute, in fact. But here's the thing...this whole explosive diaper thing you have going on...not so cute. It has got to go. I know you're a girly girl, my own little fashionista in training, and you looove to change outfits through out the day, but you don't have to saturate your current outfit with mudbutt just so I'll change you. In fact, I'm kind of sad to say goodbye to that adorable onesie I had to CUT OFF you today since you decided to unleash the dirty dirty all up on it. I don't think your hair appreciated the, er, "treatment" either. (yeah it got all the way up there)

So I have an idea! We'll make a deal, scream twice then fart and I'll know you want a new outfit. Deal? And while we're on the topic, I would really appreciate it if you would confine these mishaps to the crib, somewhere I can wash the fabric, as opposed to the carpet. Which now has a ginormous stain that the dogs can't stop smelling because it reaks of Eau de Crap. Not exactly my scent of choice. I still don't understand how someone so sweet can make such a vile and toxic smell that just singes the nostrils. It's inhumane. And definitely not the jumper. Please don't unleash the beast in there. Jumping and mushy butt...not a good mix.

However, if you have a momentary brain lapse and proceed to flood the poop deck, could you at least do it when Daddy's home? I sure would appreciate that. Thanks for being so understanding.

Love,
Mom

Recipe for mudbutt...

I'm going to try to write this without dry heaving. But first I'd like to preface this story with a statement: My dog wouldn't even eat the featured food item, and he's been known to eat HiS oWn PoOp!

It was a night like any other at the Cline home. The kids were plotting my downfall, friends were gathered over a gourmet dinner of fish stick sandwiches (vomit), and on the counter sat a lonely bowl of tartar sauce. With all the fish sticks having been consumed what were to do with our abundance of tartar sauce??? Make Dizzle eat it, of course. But why stop there....why not add some peanut butter? In fact, it would make a great sandwich. You know what would go great with that? Some jufran banana sauce (first of all, who owns that?!) And what's a tartar, peanut butter, and jufran sandwich without some tapatio? So here we were with this vile creation and a subject who was willing to eat it....and he did...the entire thing, without puking. Can I just tell you that it looked like the matter I see in my daughter's diaper every day? Rolf...flippin sick. But this ladies and gentleman is why we love Dizzle. And yes, I know what you're wondering, he is available...in fact applications to date him are available upon request. Along with his diverse culinary interests, Dizzle enjoys long walks in Sportsman's warehouse, reading Guns n' Ammo, and snuggling on the couch to a romantic episode of Family Guy...please send a recent photo (holding today's newspaper) along with your contact info if interested for more details.