I'm over it...

Blaaahhh...I'm so over the bachelorette!BUT...since I did waste two months of my Monday nights watching her suck face with a bunch of fraternity boozehags America's most eligible bachelors, I figured the least I could do was wrap this trainwreck up with a nice big bow and send it off.

First she "breaks Kiptyn's heart" by sending him home after sparkin' with the guy for the last few days. I'm pretty sure they exchanged a total of five words and 8 gallons of saliva. Blech. I'm sure he's completley heart broken in San Diego....or he's surrounded by beach babes who are trying to "make him feel better"...ya know what I mean? Plus I'm thinking he may be the next bachelor...

Then, Reid makes his lame attempt at winning her back. Um. You told the girl you like her 'this much' and held out your arms. Screams maturity! If that doesn't say I'm ready for a long term relationship then I don't know what does. And yeah, I felt bad for the guy, but I'm sure he can do better than Jillian. No offense to her, but after the last 2 months I don't see what all the fuss is about.

Last but not least...Ed. I'm pretty sure he just seduced her with his amazing gams in those bitty bitty shorts. And how come I never noticed the guy has a lisp?! What the heck?! I just loved when he said that he loved her with "Every bone in his body"**snicker** Every bone, Ed? Ya sure about that? That's not what she said! HAAAA! I'm funny...

All in all I'm glad its Ed she ended up with. He seems like a stand-up guy and truth be told I think they'd make some cute babies. I can't wait to find out more tomorrow night on the after the rose ceremony, because as much as I protest I'll still totally watch it! But in all honesty, I'd rather be writing about the random things going through my mind right now like.....

1- I wish Jordan was a cowboy. I read this sappy western romance novel (shut up, don't judge me) called Visions of Ransom Lake and now I want to make Jordan wear wranglers and his cowboy boots, start calling me Miss, and maybe chop some wood without a shirt on...Shortmama knows what I'm talking about!! She's all about her cowboy! Wrangler butts drive me nuts!

2- I think Mason has IBS...because that kid made some serious doo doo butter today. I mean, yikes, holy colon cleanse.

3- I need to toughen up some. Last night I made Jordan get out of bed at 1:30 because I was convinced someone was under the bed. No joke. I was terrified. The funny thing is, he did it, without even asking a question. Am I really that weird?

4- Gluten free "bread" tastes like a soggy milk bone. Remind me NEVER to eat it again. I'm pretty sure I spit up in my mouth just a little. I'd kill for a tray of brownies right now. Or a cupcake. Mmmmmm....

Daddy can suck a mean foot!!

Ahhh, the bachelorette tell all...what an awesome birthday gift that was! The return of the cheese arse, the almighty man code, and the behind-the-scene gas passing...what an education experience tonight was!

Let me start with the self proclaimed belligerent foaming at the mouth drunk alpha male, David. He creeps me out with those beady little eyes, but that beard was dis.gus.ting. I didn't think he could get any worse, apparently I was wrong!! And man, did that little firecracker have an opinion on EVERYTHING! I wanted him to shut his friggin piehole and let some one else get in a word or two. I couldn't believe that he didn't feel he did anything wrong when he got all handsy with Jillian and lusted over her lady lumps. NO WONDER YOU'RE SINGLE YOU CHESTER THE MOLESTER! You're dirty! He probably stinks too...I bet he perspires Jack Daniels. Blech. I hope I never have to lay my delicate eyes on his freaky face again.

Now Jake...Apparently the guys did not like him, but I'll tell you what....every female in America did (with the exception of me, I'm happily married to my little fox of a man....grrr). They picked that poor guy apart. It's so sad to me that a good man with an honorable set of morals is now the odd one out. He's considered weird for not being a boob grabbin-sailor mouthed-frat guy walking around in a drunken stupor. I'll take weird anyday then! And for the record, I haven't watched a rated R movie in almost 4 years! More power to you Jake! Ok. I'm stepping off my soap box now.

Juan....grow a pair. The end.

Wes?? I didn't see him there...he must have been playing for his fans fan in Chihuahua, Mexico. I hope he crawls under a rock and stays there for years to come. But that video montage?! PRICELESS!!! And to all the lame losers that were coming to Wes's defense in honor of "man code", another red flag as to why you're single.

Tanner P. I don't care what anyone says, I like you. Anyone who gets excited about mango-mango and call pull off saying "Daddy can suck a mean toe!" is grade A as far as I'm concerned!! HILARIOUS!! Probably my favorite line of the night!!!

All in all it wasn't as scandalous as I was hoping for. I didn't really learn anything new, EXCEPT... that these poor guys have gas at all the wrong times! I almost piddled my pants watching all the funny out takes of them crop dusting all over the place! And Jillian REALLY likes peperoni. Did anyone else get uncomfortable watching that? I felt like I should give her a moment alone with her peperoni. Maybe Ed should just cover himself in peperoni and their little "issue" will be solved! I'll shoot him an email and let him know my brilliant idea!

As far as next week is concerned...sigh...Reid comes back. Of course he would. PREDICTABLE! But did you see the cracker jacks ring he was holding?! C'mon man...you're trying to impress the girl!! Shoot a ring pop would have been better than that! But I'm so excited for next week, it's kind of pathetic actually...what did you guys think?

The not-so-fantasy suite night....

Well it was that time of the week again...time for another fool to suck face with Jillian one last time before getting the proverbial boot! Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Kiptyn- Yeah I can't make up my mind on this guy. I can't fully trust that he's really emotionally invested in her. There's something off about him and I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it was the creepy way they kept winking at eachother...it gave me the heebie jeebies. And as far as their date was concerned it bothered me to watch Jillian be the damsel in distress. You're on a friggin rope course with a harness keeping you from plunging to certain death...get your panties out of a bunch and get on top the dang totem pole! And watching them be kissy kissy face makes me cringe. He looks like he's trying to eat her face. Blech. I knew she would keep him...but will she pick him?

Reid- Dear, sweet, Reid. Way to shoot yourself in the foot!! When a girl asks you a question 1,487 times it probably because she WANTS AN ANSWER....and I mean an answer other than 'Ya, you know...'. And avoiding the question by making out with her isn't going to work. But I guess you found that out didn't you?! At least you got a little tubbie time action before she threw you out on your hinney...that's not a bad consolation prize I suppose. Keep your head up Reid, and remember....They say love, it don't come easy....

Ed- Oy.....where to begin? How about those shorts?! Or lack there of...I mean, really?? I couldn't take my eyes off of those things! It was really sweet of Jillian to let Ed borrow her shorts, but yikes, it was just a tad distracting. I was terrified that his cash and prizes might fall out! But on a side note....his thighs were almost as nice as Jillian's! It was way sweet of him to bring his parents out though. You can tell it was really important to make this happen for Jillian. And as for the boom boom room drama. Was I the only one that though it wasn't that big a deal?! So he didn't sleep with you...um, ok, that's a bad thing why? Personally I thought it showed a great deal of character and respect on his part. Weird. If she wanted to be treated like trash she could have kept Wes around. And he dropped the L word. With a capital L. Ohh la la! The boys got some gumption! Hopefully he can redeem himself in her eyes because I'm totally rooting for Ed!

But you know what really has me excited?! THE TELL ALL!! I can't wait for the return of the cheese arse, the drunken trucker, the foot freak, the two timing cowboy, and the rest of the gang! WOO HOO! I hope some punches get thrown!! I can't wait to hear all the juice!! Man, I really need a life...so what did you think?! And Kip or Ed? Hmmm.....

Ps- Don't forget to enter the giveaway!
Pss- So I found out today that on top of being lactose intolerant, allergic to seafood, and having IBS.....I'm also allergic to gluten! this royally sucks monkey butt...I'd drown my sorrows in ice cream, but I can't. Boo.

Well now what?!

I've spent the last few months of my life praying that Jillian dump Wes off at the nearest rodeo and now he's gone! HALLELUJAH! But don't forget...he's coming out with a new single, so all of you in Chihuahua, Mexico be on the lookout for it! But seriously could that guy have been a bigger creep?! Some of the things he said didn't even surprise me were so vulgar! For example...

I'll be home having lots of sex......blech. gag. vomit.

Goodbye Wes. Have a blast on your radio tour with Laurel. I'd wish you luck, but I'd be lying. Actually I'm very happy to not have to write about you ever again! Moving on...

Yay for Ed! I'm so glad their romance is rekindling....bow chika bow wow! Oh and the whole "we're sleeping in out clothes" thing....yeah. right. I totally believe that. Or not.

As for Kyp and Reid...they're kind of on the back burner for me right now. I'm liking Ed for her. But the previews have me stumped! What happens?! What's the drama?! I can't wait any longer!

No wonder she's friggin single!

I don't even know where to begin!! Jillian's a friggin window licker, I swear that girl has issues! I'm so dang frustrated with the Bachelorette that my remote was a heartbeat away from being thrown though the TV...then I realized I wouldn't be able to watch Harper's Island (LOVE IT!!!!) and decided against it. After watching this last episode I felt that I should help Jillian out a little bit so I went ahead and made a little translation chart for her. Here it is....I call it, How To Understand Cheating Liars With Fugly Gold Chains.

He says: "You know I'm here for you, right?"
He really means: "You know that I'm a musician, right?"

He says: "I'm so excited for you to meet my family."
He really means: "I'm so excited to air my band on TV."

He says: "I wrote this song for you, Jillian"
He really means: "I wrote this song for Laurel."

He says: "Honest to goodness truth."
He really means: "I'm completely lying to your face."

He says: "I really care about you."
He really means: "My album drops July 30th."


I'm hoping this helps clarify things for her. If this doesn't help then I don't know what will. But seriously, it was all too much for me. Jake coming back, Ed coming back (I totally called that!), and Wes staying. It was all just so predictable.

But how funny was it when Jesse hit his brother in the head with the drum stick?! Did you catch that?! And his gypsy mom doing a rain dance in the corner....cukooo!

I would have to say my favorite moment of the night was Kip's heavily intoxicated mom rocking out to the bachelorette blues banging away on those bongos. Priceless! I'm sure that's one of her finer moments in life! Other than that I'm depressed I wasted 2 hours of my life watching her play kissy kissy face when I could have been watching old episodes of Murder, She Wrote. So what were your thoughts on it??

Thank Goodness For Reality TV

Let's start with the Gosselin throwdown! I knew the instant I saw Jon in those 'bling-bling midlife crisis holy friggin 90s' earrings that things were going downhill. Oy, those things were nasty! Buy your little sports car, go clubbin', get hair implants...those things I can somewhat understand. But for real??? The earrings have got to go!

Just the way he talked during the episode made me wanna stab myself in the eye with a dull pencil. He was such a jerk! You can tell he's excited to be 32. He only said it like 83 times. It's sad that he would walk away from his family just so he could tear it up on the town with some floozies in his outdated Ed Hardy shirts. He makes me sick, yet sad for him at the same time.

Now Kate. Well I think it's a humbling experience for her. But as a mother and wife, my heart just aches for her. You could tell she'd been crying and was trying so hard not to break down. I truly wish her the best. I hope she will find someone who makes her happy. I was so hoping that they would quit the show and just focus on their family, but it looked like Jon was set on getting the heck outta dodge! Can't wait til the girlfriend comes to the family Christmas! HA! Won't that be cozy?!

Now for the face sucking machine we call the Bachelorette.....

She's gone postal. She got rid of Jake?? She's hitting the crack pipe a little hard these days or something. I'm so glad Tanner P and his freaky foot fetish are out of the running, but man, she kept Wes?? She has some major blinders on. The one and ONLY reason I will continue watching from here on out is because the previews for the end look SOOOOOO dang awesome!! I almost piddled when they brought Jake back! BOOYA! Nice guys don't finish last SUCKA! I pray he tells Jillian just what a tool Wes is! I'm so excited (and I just can't hide it! remember that episode of Saved by the bell when Jessie was addicted to caffeine pills and she sang that? because I do!). The suspense is killing me! So what did you guys think?!

Don't forget to enter the giveaway!

A cheese what?? Who says that?!!

WARNING: IF YOU DIDN'T WATCH THE BACHELORETTE YET DO NOT READ THIS!!

Ok. The Bachelorette. Really? Really?? The whole thing was a train wreck last night. Here are my thoughts in no particular order:

1. Wes- if you don't stop plucking away at your guitar and shamelessly plugging that lame song I'm gonna go postal on you. After the 8th time hearing it last night I was ready to throw the remote through the tv.

2. She got rid of Sasha?? Enough said. (although I looooooved her outfit!)

3. The good, the bad, and the ugly.....yuck. gag. How'd you like to be the caboose on that kissing train? Wooo Wooo!

3. The cocktail party.....aakkkkkwaaard! What are these guys thinking?! I better shove my tongue down her throat so I can get a rose? Blech.

4. David vs. Juan- THE THROWDOWN OF THE CENTURY!! But I'm confused....why exactly is David sooo peeved at him? The whole shot thing? And what exactly is a "cheese ***"? It sounds like something a third grader would say.

5. The final rose- wtf? I was happy Brad left, he was just yucky, but David over Tanner??? I'm not sure I can watch this show anymore. I'm hoping she watched last night and saw what a complete mess that guy is. From the drunken tirades to his beady little eyes....just plain freaky. However, after the preview for next week I'm super excited!

So there it is. Hopefully Jillian will find true love, but after last night....well lets just say I'm keeping my fingers crossed. She should just pick Jake and be done with it!! That's what I say! So what did you think?