Shoot me in the face...

There are a lot of things I would love spending 4 hours out of my day doing. Like sleeping for instance, or blogging. Googling pictures of the Hoff (meow). Maybe read some books, work on my tan....shoot, I'd even do laundry over what I had to do yesterday. We spent four friggin quality hours teaching Mason how to.....are you ready for this.....swallow a flippin' pill!!!!

For the record, I'd rather stab myself repeatedly in the eye with a dull pencil before doing this again. I'm pretty sure those 4 hellish hours have won themselves the title of 'Most frustrating experience of my mothering career'. It's a pretty prestigious award, so why don't I explain how I received it, in case anybody out there would like to try for one.

This last weekend Mason was given a new medication. The old one wasn't meeting his current needs so we felt it was best to try something new. Well. Apparently Mason didn't agree. The new pill is hardly any bigger than the old pill. But it's not a pill that can be crushed or chewed, it has to be taken whole. It's smaller than a tic tac, just to put things in perspective. So yesterday morning while getting ready to send my little heathen off to school we had him take his pill. Or try to. Over and over and over....

He couldn't...no, make that WOULDN'T take it. And short of waterboarding the kid, we tried EVERYTHING! He put it under his tongue, back of the throat, head tilted back, wrapped it with food, drank through a straw, you name it....we tried it. He must have gone through 4 glasses of milk and juice trying to get it down, to no avail, might I add. An hour and a half into it he had managed to throw apple juice all over the kitchen, spit milk all over us, spill water all over himself, and STILL hadn't swallow the pill. By this time Mason's crying, he's late for school, I'm bawling, Jordan's frustrated, and the pill is sitting on the table taunting us.

So I did what any over emotional and crazed mother would do....I took him to the doctor. Now I love our doctor, he really is amazing and has done so much for our children. Buuuuuut the last time I took him in because I was concerned about the medication and weight loss he prescribed ice cream before bed time. Yeahhh. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when he prescribed BRIBERY yesterday. WTF? So my kids a turd, won't take the friggin pill (when I know he can because he's ALWAYS taken pills) and not only do I have to give him ICE CREAM but I have to buy the little delinquent a TOY??? That's it...I need to see some diplomas or evidence of schooling because that's a steaming pile of dog crap. So glad I paid a $20 copay for that crap. But I'll try it. Because I'm desperate.

So we tried again last night. Only this time we used tic tacs so he was just having candy instead of the dreaded medicine. Again, we tried everything. We tried so hard to make it FUN! We wrapped it in candy, hid it in applesauce, offered him treats, toys, MONEY....ANYTHING. Sigh. Nothing worked. So one crazy mother, one exhausted son, one sexy father (yeah I said it), four horrid hours and endless tears later....we called it a day. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when Jordan came out this morning with this fantastic ghetto rigged creation....


The pill launcher 3000. Simply stick it to the back of the mouth and push the lever in and this high powered machine launches that pill straight to the back of the throat, wash it down with some milk, and you're good to go. No if, ands, or buts. The crazy thing is that Mason loved it! He thought it was cool!! WTF? So mommy gives you candy, toys, sunshine, and friggin' rainbows, and I get NOTHING! But daddy chokes you (not really, no need to call cps just yet) and you think it's COOL??? Sigh....whatever works. At least he took the dang pill.

My Ritalin love affair...

I'm not sure who's happier it's Friday, me or Mason's new first grade teacher? That poor poor dear unsuspecting woman. Maybe I should buy her a fruit basket to try and win her over! Because by the time Mason's done with her she's gonna need therapy and a straight jacket. I'm just speaking from experience. Because in case you didn't know, while Mason is a funny, loving, sensitive, and giving little boy..... he is also a bouncing off the wall, never stops talking, doing a little jig in the corner, holy crap do you ever stop moving, little bit of sass with a whole lotta crazy little boy. Needless to say Ritalin is my best friend. My BFF. We were destined for eachother...if we were a celebrity couple our name would be Riticia. But I digress...

So now that school has started, that means his Ritalin dosage goes up a touch. I was really concerned about this because my little man is a friggin stick. He makes Kate Moss look chubby. Ok, not really that skinny, but I wanted to say that. But he's pretty thin and I was concerned that raising his dosage would cause him to lose more weight. (Don't we all wish we had this problem?) So I called up the trusty pediatrician to talk about some options for Mason and you know what he tells me??? (This is the part that life's just truly unfair)


He tells me that I need to give him a big bowl of ice cream with a big cup of milk EVERY night before bedtime.


Sphincter says what?!


Yup. Ice cream and milk. That's why doctor's get paid the big bucks. He went through YEARS of higher education to prescribe that treatment. He proceeded to tell me some bull about how it will make up for the calories he loses during the day...blah blah blah. Don't mind me, I'm just jealous.

But do you realize what that means for him?? That means that on days like today where he proceeded to:

- fart in class and tell everyone about it (that's my boy!!)
- bust out his lunch in the middle of class and start eating while the teacher is in the middle of a lesson!
- tell the crossing guard all about how mommy was nekked
- and throw a colossal fit over who knows what...

that he gets to have a huge bowl of ice cream??? WHAT THE FRACKITY FRAK?! This is like every parent's worst nightmare. What did you say Mason? You punched your brother in the mouth? Here, have some ice cream. You were playing with matches in the neighbors garage? Why don't you tell me all about it over a bowl of ice cream. This higher dose better be worth it!! Or else Riticia will be breaking up! Keep your fingers crossed for today!

peeee essss- I'm a guest blogger over at Made You Blush....go check it out!

peee eessss essss!! Holy crap today's my day!!! I'm featured at Project Mommywood as a finalist for Mommy blogger of the year!! (i'm still trying to figure out who was riding the crazy train that day and nominated me!!) Go check it out!!! My baby blog is up against the big dogs!!