Milestones suck...

It seems as if I'm always waiting for my kids to learn something new. To hit the next age benchmark per se. I remember reading What To Expect The First Year and having anxiety attacks because Mason couldn't clap at 6 months. What was wrong with him? Did he have medical issues that I didn't know about? Was I a failure as a mother?! And wasn't he supposed to be crawling by now?!! I called the doctor on the verge of hysteria, all snot faced and sobbing into the phone "MY SON DOESN'T CLAP! bwwwaahhhh!". Motherhood makes you do some stupid crazy things.

I over-analyzed EVERYTHING the first time around. The second time around I was a little less neurotic. Ok , who am I kidding, no I wasn't. At all. And Jordan if you say anything I will cut you!! Be afraid fool! The crazy runs deep in my blood I can't get rid of it. And the third time around....well, let's just say I'm not encouraging milestones at all.

I encouraged Mason to walk at such a young age and the kid went from a crawl to a RUN! And he's never stopped. He just slows down slightly when mommy remembers to crush the ritalin over his frosted frakes for breakfast. And Boogie has had such a struggle learning to talk and now that he's started, the kid never shuts his flippin pie hole and drives me straight crazy. Thank goodness they are so cute, and quiet, when they sleep.

And last but not least, Presley. You see, this is my baby and I'm really not excited for her grow up. She's clapping now. She waves hi and bye. Sigh....And now she's crawling. Is it bad that I pull her legs out from under her when she crawls?? I really don't encourage it. She's growing up way too fast. Maybe I should strap a weight to her back, that should slow her down! And I refuse to let her hold her own bottle. She NEEDS me dang it!

Milestones. Shmilestones. Pooh on them. Can't I just keep her my baby just a little bit longer? On the bright side...I can't wait to hear her say Mommy. I can't wait to take her to get mani pedis with me. I can't wait for her to wipe her own butt. Ok, so maybe there are a few milestones I can live with...Ha...come to think of it, it's gonna be Jordan that has issues with this little beauty growing up. I mean, come on, just look at this face...

Move over Posh Spice....

First off, I FINALLY fixed my blasted internet at home! BOOYA! So I will be back and commenting away on your amazing blogs ASAP! Secondly, thanks for all the amazing birthday wishes, you guys rock! And last but not least, hello to all the new readers, I'm so excited you're here! Now, I have something very important to tell you all.

Ahem.

I am officially a soccer mom. Mmmhhmm.

My day has arrived.

Bring on the refs, the team moms, and the Saturday morning extravaganzas. I'm ready, and let me tell you, I was born ready. Ever since I had Mason I've longed after this day. I can't wait to stand on the sideline yelling at Mason to get his thumb out of his butt and GET THE DANG BALL cheering Mason on. I can't wait for the ref to make a bad call so I can say something like "Hey ref! You might wanna check your answering machine, because you've been missing calls all day!" And I'm sure the coach will really appreciate me weighing in with my completely non-existent extensive knowledge of the game. I've seen Bend it like Beckham, I know how the game works, ok?

I've made a checklist of the things I need to get, like a really obnoxious chair to put on the sidelines with Mason's number embroidered on the back. Something that screams 'my kid is better than yours'. But in a subtle tasteful fashion.

Mason has already expressed a great desire to be the goalie. I suggested to him that I could help him practice by kicking balls at his face. You know, so he could learn how to block! He didn't think it was such a great idea. It was worth a shot though.

I wonder what color the uniforms are so I can color coordinate our outfits? Hmmm, that would be good to know. Hopefully it's not something that clashes with red since I'm planning on collecting quite a few red cards this season. Because you see, here's the thing...I'm known to be a little bit of a mama bear. So this is fair warning to all the moms that may cross paths with me on the field: check you piehole when it comes to my kid. I'm not too proud to be kicked off the field for throwing down! But I'm sure in something as civilized as rec soccer all the adults will behave appropriately and not become stage mothers, right?

Practices start in 2 weeks and I Mason couldn't be more excited! And I can't wait to be there with him every step of the way. Orange slices in one hand, capri suns in the other...it's gonna be fabulous! I still can't believe my baby's growing up...So move over Posh, because there's a new mom in town!

Uhh...is this thing on?

Testing testing! I've surrendered to the pressure....I've started a blog. I never thought this day would come, but if people want to know about how I spend my day avoiding doing laundry, resisting the urge to post my kids on craigslist, and waiting for American Idol to come on....well then they've come to the right place. Welcome to my life, I hope we're all still friends after you know what I really do all day. So here it is. My first official post. I hope I did this right...